It has been almost 20 months since I handed in my ordination papers. At first, we felt like we needed to find a community in which to worship. I didn't want to go to a United Methodist Church again-- that felt too much like dating your ex-husband! We tried the Episcopalians and the Lutherans, and both congregations were very nice and yet it didn't feel right. It felt too much like we were forcing a relationship to happen-- perhaps like feeling like after the divorce you absolutely MUST remarry? Sometimes when someone exits a long-term relationship they need to know what it feels like to be single again. To remember who they are, what they love, who they are in and of themselves, before they can enter into a healthy relationship and not make the same mistakes again.
After all, I had been a part of Church since the womb. I have never known what it's like Outside.
It's actually quite beautiful out here. The colors are varied and rich. You don't come upon the same pattern twice in one day. There is a whole different perspective out here.
At first, being Outside was terrifying. I only knew the rules Inside. I knew how people functioned, how they related, what was expected. People fell into behavioral patterns. We had our scripts that we memorized, our theme songs. I'm not putting down being on the Inside. Many of you on the Inside have always been free to come and go as you pleased. I never left. I was there 24/7 from the time I was born.
I didn't know the rules out here, and what I've come to learn is that the rules change all the time, because people are so different. At first I scrambled to find some pattern to go by. But now I live in the uncertainty and every day I anticipate surprises. No, it's not always pleasant and sometimes I get tired of people and all the stimulation! The world, after all, is a world of extroverts, and it's hard to be an introvert in an extroverted world! Sometimes it's downright exhausting, but I've learned how to pull back and get re-nourished.
Even the people I work with in the so-called "secular world" are so different. We all come from different backgrounds and traditions. If we didn't work together, chances are we'd never stumble over each other. Some go to church faithfully, some don't. But we pray for each other. We support each other. We love each other. We are a mixed-up, sometimes crazy community. But when the you-know-what hits the fan, we can count on each other. I love the people I work with. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that! But isn't family like that, too? Some I love more than others. I know who to go to for a hug or a prayer. I know who I can cry with and who I can't.
I remember sitting in church about 25 years ago and they sang, "Make Me A Captive, Lord." I had a physical reaction to that hymn. I know, I can dissect it theologically as to what the writer meant, but I have always hated that hymn. Out here, outside, I feel free. I can think, I can question, I can wonder, I can look at things from a completely different perspective and see the beauty and truth. And no lightning has struck me yet!
Jesus is always there. I always come back to Jesus. He's always been a very real part of my journey; his teachings, his story. I have experienced the power of his resurrection over and over again. I've always thought that Jesus himself gets bored with Church. And I think it breaks his heart to see some of the things that go on in his name. When he walked on this earth, he never spent too much time in one place, because life, especially his physical life, is so short. There's too many places to go, things to think and learn, people to know, truths to be learned. He was always moving, searching, seeing, teaching, touching, and marveling at God's beauty all over the place.
People ask me what I am. I'm no longer a United Methodist. I am a Christian. I am a follower of the Living Christ, a Child of God. I don't need to be in a category, especially since when you get put in one, people think they know you. And there is much, much more to me to learn about than what can be contained in a category.
In my hospice work, I meet all kinds of people. Some are very connected to a Church, and yet there are a surprising number who aren't, but who have managed to find the peace of Christ out here on the Outside. They are not afraid of death, trusting in the God who makes all things New. I have seen such beauty and peace at the moment of death as people leave this earth. It's like they fly. They are free for the first real time in their lives.
Out here on the Outside, there is Life and Love. There's a lot of uncertainty, because life isn't summed up in a creed. I like following Jesus, the risen Christ, all over the place. I know I am sustained by Spirit, by deep, eternal Love, and I never walk alone.
I had to leave home in order to find that out. And yet, I've discovered that Home is wherever God is, and God is.... everywhere.
