looking back

there was a time when
it was all one big scary ride
but i thought that was normal
no one told me different

i followed the voice in
the cornfield and it was good
the magic kept unfolding and
everybody cheered

it was a path that gave rewards
but when the music became noise
and the ride kept taking me high
only to fall so sharply

i had to get off
lest everything within me
shrivel up
die from shame

at never grabbing the golden ring

the institution the Eternal Parent
separating the sheep from the goats
and i always ended up in the
goat pen

kicking, butting, defending
explaining, draining, fighting
bloodletting until i was so faint
i couldn't stand

i remember longingly the sweetness
of the fruit on my tongue the
body and the blood  feeling blessed
nourished for the journey

the magic of words forming
through some sort of holy incantation
creating, shaping images, conjuring
the scene so we felt the sand

beneath our feet, felt the Middle Eastern heat
upon our heads, touched the sheep grazing on a hill
hearing life-giving words from his mouth
touching just the hem of his robe

i miss those moments when heaven
and earth touched so briefly and i was
in the midst of it, feeding, blessing
singing, holding, waiting in the dark

for the light

offering just enough grace
to chew on
but

i couldn't stay
the yoke became too heavy
cutting into my flesh
sucking my life

between the Powers and
some people whose pain
made them mean
i couldn't

offer up my life
i could not allow the nails
to pierce my own flesh
i couldn't bow to the stones thrown

i couldn't allow them any more
of my blood
and when i died to that life
i truly rose again

it's been a new morning
ever since