I am a spiritual caregiver for hospice. When I tell people what I do for a living, they say, "wow, that must be depressing!" They also indicate that they couldn't... or wouldn't. It's an interesting new reality, as I've discovered that a large majority of people don't know what to do with death.
It's strange to me, in a culture that lifts up the nobility of "dying for your country," or the good news of Jesus' death for us, has such a difficult time with death. Or Christians, who believe in the resurrection of Jesus and believe that they're going to heaven... still squirm at death. Or at the reality of death. I also find that a lot of such people want to live at all costs, take all measures necessary to keep a loved one alive, even if they are suffering and death would literally be a blessing. Death still scares most people.
We watch death all the time on T.V, of course, but it's a whole lot different in real life. Death isn't pretty. People usually don't say really profound things and then fall back on their pillow and walk into the light. Most people don't look so great right before death. They look.... well, like they're dying. Most of the time they are not able to speak and say those last words that we love on T.V. Hopefully, they said them when they were still able. I also notice that on T.V. when someone is informed of someone's murder, they don't break down into gut-wrenching sobs, or even seem to grieve at all. What is that?? As if people take death in stride, when the reality is, we don't take death in stride at all.
But after working in hospice for over two years, I'm a lot less afraid of death. I've learned that there are a lot of things worse than death. Often treatment for cancer is much worse than death. Or living in a bed, just breathing, with very little social interaction. I used to be more afraid of the actual act of dying, imagining that I'd be suffocating, straining for breath, fighting my body somehow as it slipped away. But in hospice we really can make a difference. Death can be peaceful. Hospice can make the person comfortable, free of pain, and the person can simply slip away with a sigh. I don't understand why anyone would want to die without hospice. I figured that we all die someday, and hospice just makes something that is not so pretty a little more bearable for all those involved. I hope I'm on hospice when I die. I'm convinced that hospice nurses, especially, are angels in disguise.
I've learned that life is not measured in years. Sure, it'd be great if we could all live a good 90-some years and be healthy and vibrant right to that last breath. Where I grew up, it seemed like death was a punishment. People got terminally ill or died because they did something wrong. If we heard that someone was dying, the first question seemed to be, "what did they do?" And of course there are plenty of stories in the Bible of God smiting sinners. Death was a punishment. I've done it; railed against the injustice of someone good and young dying too soon. I was furious when I suffered my first loss; a beautiful, 39-year old woman who was loving and kind, a good mother, a good wife, an artist, who brought so much joy and life to me and many. She got cancer and died, leaving behind two young kids and a spouse. 28 years later I have no answer that would make any sense of her death. I just know that Cancer Happens. Death Happens (to everyone). None of us, really, are immune. Unless you're Elijah. I can do smart things like not smoke or drink in excess, exercise regularly, eat healthy, and all that helps. But even if I do all that, I could still get cancer, and even if I don't, someday I will in fact die. I have to accept that and make peace with that, or I will be miserable. I certainly hope it's later than sooner, of course, as I do for all my loved ones.
But death is not our enemy.
I've learned a lot. Life is precious, because it is limited. None of us know what timeline we have to work with, so I know that today I have to live. TODAY I have to be kind, learn a new thing, do something fun, tell my beloveds that I love them. TODAY I have to pursue what I love, stay connected to God, nourish my friendships, learn to live in a healthy way; physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. TODAY. I can't change everything that's uncomfortable or conflicted. But I can change some things, and the things I can change, I will. I can change my attitude, if nothing else. The things that are beyond my control, I will accept as best I can. I will figure out how to live in spite of those things I can't change. If I spend all my energy railing against those things, I just take that much more away from my life and those around me. I do get angry, I get depressed, I get sad, I get disappointed. But I refuse to hang on to those things, because life is too short.
I've lost several precious people that I love dearly; Sandie, Georgi, Donna, and Karen, not to mention all the people I loved in my ministry and in hospice. I will always miss them. But I know that because I love them so much and because they love me, our relationship continues. The veil between this life and eternity is very thin, I've learned. I've had dreams of each of them that has assured me they're alive and well and we are still connected. They all gave me so much, and even their dying taught me a lot; lessons that were painful. They have enlarged my capacity to love... and also to trust in God, Spirit, and our shared timeless life in God.
I can honestly say that if I learned today that I was dying, I would have no regrets. That is how I want to live. I want to live so that each day, if it were my last, I could honestly say, "I lived the way I wanted to, I did what I needed to, said what I needed to say, and most of all, I loved the best I could. I learned, I grew, I tried to be healthy and to be a blessing to others. I've left nothing undone." (Well, except that trip to Disney World, but I'm still hoping to fit that in before I die)
Life is good. But it's not limited to the 80-90 years we have here. I'm thinking that this life is only a blip on the great Screen of Life.... when we get to eternity, we'll be just getting started!
