My daughter Sarah is graduating in May, and the days are slipping away. Mixed in with the sadness of this phase of her life ending, and my daily interaction in her life changing, is extreme wonder at who she is becoming. She is brave, enthusiastic, strong, and knows what she wants. She knows who she is and doesn't let anyone tell her or convince her otherwise. I am in awe.
When I was 18, I was so unlike her. I didn't know what I wanted, I wasn't sure of who I was. I had a lot of people trying to tell me who I was, and I was tossed around in so many directions, trying to please each one of them. I didn't know I was beautiful. I didn't know I was strong or gifted or even worthy of love. I had panic attacks often, frequent anxiety, and suffered from depression a lot. I went to a Christian college, thinking that all Christians were the same and that the ones there would be kind. Most of them weren't. I didn't fit in in high school, and I thought surely I would fit in with Christians at a Christian college. I was wrong. Apparently I wasn't "Christian"
enough for them.
I'm learning a lot in this fifth decade of my life. I'm finally learning that it's really not important to
fit in, despite what society tells you all around you. My daughter knows this already. I'm learning that it's important to
be who you are, because no one else is going to be you, and that we're all here with all our gifts, foibles, experiences, hurts and healings, for a reason. We all have something to contribute, a verse to complete the Song. There is just as much pressure to fit in with The Crowd in middle age as there is in high school. People still feel that if they speak a shared language, know the same acronyms, frequent the same social scenes, go to the same Church, that they are ok because they are part of something shared. That's true, but it's not healthy if it doesn't fit you.
I'm continually astonished that in the 21st century there are still otherwise good people in the world who will chuckle at you if you care about how women are treated, if you want equal respect and consideration, if you are offended by sexist jokes, if you care about women being degraded by legislations or if you stand up for yourself. You can still get labeled, if not under the breath, "a bitch," if you call yourself a feminist. I get weary of sexist jokes, of men in powerful positions who are incompetant and offensive but get away with it. I get tired of the pressure to not be labeled a "liberal" or "man-eater" or "one of THOSE women."
But I'm learning that you can't please everyone. I'm learning that you have to be true to yourself. I'm learning a lot about God, the depth of spirituality in relationship to God, and a life not confined by creeds or rules written by a man 200+ years ago. There is freedom, I'm learning, to live without self-imposed labels. Labels are so confining. Judgmental. I will not condone a religion that is damning, violent and judgmental; that separates and condemns, that promotes hate and division. Life is short.
I'm learning that all of my life is beautiful. All the hurtsI've suffered, even the many losses, all contribute to who I am, what I've learned. The people I loved so fiercely who left this life, are still very much with me. They are loving me, comforting me, guiding me. In my dreams, they sometimes come to touch me and assure me they are still here. This life is just a commercial, a trailer of the Life that is to come and yet already is. Love is the only thing worth striving for, the rest is just details. It doesn't really matter what I do for a living, unless it keeps me from living a beautiful life. If the job crushes who I am, keeps my spirit under someone's thumb, I need to look elsewhere. But if my job gives me a chance to offer someone else some grace, to see the beauty in life, to connect deeply with another AND get paid for it....WOW... I am blessed. And I am.
I've learned that you are what you think. If I let negative thoughts and feelings of self-pity dominate my head, they will take over my heart, and I will be the one who suffers. If I get angry at someone, if I can't resolve it, I need to walk away and let it go. I don't want to brood over things I can't change and get myself spinning in manic circles. I can do that too easily. But each day of this life is precious, I don't want to waste any of them. I've learned that I can start my day over at any moment, that one bad thing doesn't have to define the whole day. I also don't want to waste precious time and breath on trivialities. I get very impatient with superficiality. Be real with me. I want to be real.
I'm not afraid of death. It makes me sad when someone dies suddenly or too young, and I've done my share of grieving and I'm sure will do more before this life is over. But death is not something to be terrified of. It's all in God's hands; birth, life and death. I've stood at the edge of this life with so many people, and when you get to that point, there's nothing scary at all about it; as long as someone is holding your hand. But I believe that if for some reason there's no one there to hold your hand, God will provide an angel to do it. What's scary is the unknown, and yet every day that we wake up is full of unknowns and at the end of the day we're still here, still ok. We're all going to be ok. Just keep loving. Because no matter what happens, you can't go wrong if you're loving and holding someone's hand.
I am very fortunate. I've had my share of heartbreak, and I suppose there will be more, because I love many people, and well, that makes you susceptible to eventual heartbreak. But thus far, it's been a good life. I don't know what lies ahead, and that used to scare me, but God's brought me "safe thus far, and grace will lead me home...." I love my life. I love being married to my best friend, I love being a mother to an incredible daughter, and I love having the friends I have. I love Nebraska-- it is my heart's home. I don't want to live anywhere else. It suits my spirit. I want to contribute my words and heart to the world in whatever way I can, and hope to make the world a little better for those around me. I've learned a lot these first 47 years, and I'm sure I've got much, much more to learn in whatever years I have left. No doubt it'll be exciting!
If nothing else, I know that Life Is Good.
