Sunday, November 16, 2014

Digging In the Backyard


Matthew 25:14-30 
Sermon preached at Franklin United Church of Christ
November 16, 2014


       Being a storyteller myself, I've always appreciated Jesus' method of teaching.  I always remember things better if it's taught through a story that engages me, and as we know,  Jesus loved to tell a good story.  When you engage people through the heart as well as the mind, they tend to remember things better.  I know I do!  However, with this story, one might wonder, what in the world does this have to do with me?  With my life in the 21st century?  First of all, though we may have heard the story in Sunday School, we probably don't know what a talent is, at least in Jesus' use of the word.  And burying money in the backyard just sounds silly.  

      I grew up in the Church, so I've heard many stories on this passage, and it seems to me that a lot of preachers struggle with what to say about this passage.  If we're honest, though, we might often wonder what the Bible has to do with us and real, everyday lives.  All of these stories of men in robes or togas-- which in the Christmas Pageant always look like bedsheets-- wandering through the Middle East wearing sandals and hanging out in the marketplace, or dragging in nets full of fish from the sea.  All this happening two millenia ago!   How can we relate to any of this in our technologically driven world where we can travel via computer and talk to our friends or relatives across the world?  

     A few years ago I took a Theater class for fun at the Community College in Grand Island.  One of our assignments was to give an oral presentation on a subject of our choosing.  The subject of my presentation was the influence of the Church on Medieval Theater--something in the range of my expertise, anyway.  What I found #1) Did not surprise me, and yet #2) was still a bit disturbing.   I love theater!  I love going to see live theater, especially when it's done well.  I can enjoy a good musical at the University in Kearney just as much as a traveling Broadway show in Omaha.  But back in the Dark Ages, the Church was very influential in getting rid of live theater altogether.  The Church had a lot more power back then and used that power to literally ban certain things in society.  So, in the Dark Ages, the Church successfully got rid of all live theater because it could.  Some of it, mind you, was a bit risque and had gone too far.  As in most things, humankind has a way of taking a good thing too far-- we seem to have trouble with balance, don't we?  
We too often think of most things in Black and White, All or Nothing, Good or Bad.  So theater, with the exception of traveling minstrels and jugglers, were dismissed from the world of the Dark Ages.  (Keep in mind, this time was called the Dark Ages....)  What was most interesting-- and terribly ironic to me-- was the fact that in the Middle Ages theater came back to society-- through the Church.  

      Illiteracy was an epidemic in those days, and the Church looked for a way to teach the Bible and Christianity to those who couldn't read.  The best way, they found, was through drama.  They already had the seeds of the dramas in the common liturgies of the Church that went through the cycle of stories of Creation, The Fall, Sin, and Redemption.  So people learned about Christianity and the Bible by some folks acting it out in a theater-type demonstration.  Sometimes they inserted some comedy into the play to keep it interesting, but they didn't have to look far.  If you've read the Old Testament, you know there is plenty of absurd and entertaining dynamics, as well as stories fit for modern day soap operas.  If you're looking for family values, don't look for it in the Old Testament!!  
        And out of all that the theater began to be born again-- pun, I suppose, intended-- and the dramas eventually spilled out into the streets to entertain the masses.  Theater was back. 

        As often happens, a good thing could go too far, and the theaters acted out stories that the Church didn't approve of or want told, but it was too late.  The Church eventually disowned the theater, threatening censure again, but the theater took on a life of its own.  

        I say all of this because once again, I was disappointed to see that throughout history, the Church has had a reputation for spoiling parties, raining on parades and being very suspicious of Fun, Joy, and Good Feelings.  Somehow, Joy and Freedom couldn't be good.  

        In my experience, many preachers use this passage to tell us, hey! God has given you talents to use, and you need to use them, share them!  God wants you to sign up for a committee or take a leadership position in the Church that the pastor is trying to fill.  More often, this passage is used in stewardship sermons.  It's about money, and how we use our money wisely.  God has blessed you with money and so, give it to God!  Put it in the offering plate and God will be pleased... but neither of these interpretations make much sense to me.  More specifically, they don't stir me up and resonate with my heart.  I think it's about more than money.  Jesus was not one to be too concerned about money, you  may notice.  

       I did notice that Jesus told this story amid many other stories not long before he was going to die.  He was very aware of the fact that he was dying soon.  He knew that he'd made a lot of people angry and that some powerful people believed that he was in fact, not the Son of God, but more an enemy of God.  Of course, we don't that anymore, do we?  If we disagree with someone in leadership, we don't start spreading or believing vicious rumors about them that could get them killed by fanatics, right?  And we don't demonize anyone, like maybe Arabs or Muslims or worse yet,  Democrats!!  No.... 

         Anyway, Jesus is about to get himself killed and he knows his time is short.  He knows, too, that whatever happens to his ministry-- the message that he came to deliver, to teach-- he knows that message is now going to be in the hands of those 12 disciples.  If I were him, I'd be pretty worried.  They haven't always shown themselves to be too bright or reliable or clear-headed! But they're what he has to work with!  So he know they have to get it-- get HIM-- who he is, why he came, and most importantly, what he came to teach... so they can spread the Good News and little by little work with God in transforming the world.  So he does this by telling them stories, that even they can understand.  This one, about a man who goes away for awhile and entrusts his slaves with his property... He's a very rich man, by the way, and so he must have an unusual amoutn of trust in his slaves-- either that, or he's just stupid for leaving.  Because before he leaves town, he divvies up his property-- not equally, mind you-- between the three slaves.  Five talents to one, Two talents to the other and just one to the third.  

        If you haven't studied up on this story, you may not know that a talent was a form of money that was worth about 15 years worth of wages for the average worker.  Fifteen years worth of salary for someone who works perhaps at Baldwin's, Cabela's or Eaton's.  One talent equals 15 years of wages, so you multiply that by 2 and by 5-- that's a lot of money.  A lot of money to be placing in the hands of someone who isn't used to having that kind of money available at one time.  The man had to be pretty careless in his financial management. 

         But as it turns out, his slaves were honest and reliable.  Better than that, they increased his wealth by double!  The first two slaves increased his money, though we're not sure how.  Either they were very shrewd or just very lucky.  The third guy kind of freaked out, though.  The master gave him one talent-- 15 years of wages-- and he didn't know what to do.  He'd never seen that kind of money before.  We're not sure what happened-- maybe he didn't trust himself, maybe he knew that he could be tempted by that wealth and run off with it.  Maybe he knew he could easily spend it all, squander it and leave the master with a serious deficit.  He could just imagine the consequences of that!  he'd be whipped, brutally tortured and die a painful death, he was sure!  He knew his master to be a harsh man.  It was almost cruel to do this to the poor guy.  So the slave responded by doing the best thing he knew to do-- he dug a deep, deep hole and buried the money.  But that wasn't enough!  He was sure that someone would see the earth disturbed in that area of the yard, so he got nervous that someone would go digging.  He watched over that hole day and night, night and day, checking again and again, looking over his shoulder, jumping at every sound, every footstep.  He didn't dare move too far from that hole.  

      When the master returned, he called for an accounting of his wealth.  He wanted to know what they did with his money, and how much he still had!  The first two slaves were thrilled to report that they'd made him an even wealthier man!  As you'd expect, the master was overjoyed.  He told them that now they'd proven themselves trustworthy in a few things, they would be entrust with many things!  "Well done, good and trustworthy slaves," he said, and I bet they felt really, really good.  They'd pleased the master and certainly things would go well for them from here on out.  

       The third slave approached him dragging a muddy sack.  His eyes were a bit bloodshot, his face strained from lack of sleep.  

        "M....Master," he said, "I knew you to be a harsh man, and so I was afraid, and so I went and hid your money in the ground.  Here,"  he said, shoving the muddy sack towards the master, "you have what is yours..."  he backed away, bowing, wringing his hands nervously.  

        Whaaaaat???  The master was furious!  He let the guy have it!  Called him "worthless, lazy," even "wicked"!  And he said, "throw him into the outer darkness where there is only weeping and gnashing of teeth!"  

         I don't know about you, but I think the master is overreacting a bit here.  Ok, the guy was a bit foolish, but hey, he didn't lose anything.  Sure, the guy could have put it all in the bank and gotten interest on it, but why not chalk it up to just bad management, be thankful nothing was lost and let him go?  And if that's not strange enough, Jesus concludes the story by saying, "For to all those who have, more will be given, and they will have an abundance, but to those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away...." Well, that doesn't sound good!  Isn't that the way things already are?  The rich get richer and the poor get poorer?  I thought Jesus liked the poor!  In fact, in the very next story he tells, he says that we will see his face in the face of the poor, and when we turn away the poor, we turn away Jesus!  So what's this about?  Is Jesus contradicting himself?  

      I don't know about you, but I've always kind of identified with that poor third slave.  What was his problem?  He said it himself.  He was afraid.  He was terrified of his master.  And on top of that, the master put this magnificent responsibility in his hands, and by doing so, said essentially, you are trustworthy.  You are awesome.  I trust you with my very life and livlihood.  The guy was just a slave. 

       Have you ever received a gift that was just too heavy?  One that was so remarkable that you uttered those ridiculous words, "Oh, I can't accept that!!"  It doesn't have to be a piece of jewelry or a car, it can be a friendship, a relationship.  I think when we truly fall in love, we have that sense that wow, this is too good!  I'm not worthy of this!  and we're humbled.  Some people--tragically-- push away the gift, and never get to receive it.  The third slave was terrified of the gift... No, no, he said, I can't do this, I'm not worthy.  I'll blow it... and then I'll be punished.  And so, in anxious terror,, he buried it in the ground to make sure he didn't screw it up, and made sure he could contain it and maintain control over it.  

       His greatest fears were revealed in that moment that he was handed that responsibility.  After all, what did the master give those three slaves?  He gave them everything.  Everything he owned, and if they blew it or stole it, he'd be destitute.  The third slave realized this.  He was afraid of failing.  He was afraid he wasn't trustworthy.  So he punished himself before anyone else could.  He buried it, buried the magnificent gift deep in the ground.. and then worried over it, paced, stewed about it.. and even that wasn't enough.  He essentially buried his life in that ground.  He put everything in that hole.  And it makes me think that many of us are all too often like that third slave.  We don't know what to do with gift!   We can relate, even accept the idea that we are all sinners in need of redemption.  Who knows us better than we know ourselves?  We know what we've done, what we've thought, what petty jealousies we've had, whom we've hurt.  We know why we're not worthy of God's great trust in us.  If you're like me, when something wonderful happens, or you get something that you'd never thought you'd get-- you're almost apologetic.  As if you don't deserve  good things, good feelings-- or JOY.  I think a lot of us build rigid boundaries around the Gift.  We want to make sure we don't lose it, so we try to control it, protect it, contain it.  Some people are afraid of losing God, I think.  So they try to keep God within strict, measurable boundaries, little boxes they can understand-- black or white, good or evil, either/or, heaven or hell-- nothing in between.  No gray areas!  

       But trying to protect God or even God's grace is way beyond our capabilities.  And trying to protect God is not trusting God.  The third slave's tragedy, I think, was anyone's tragedy.  Too often we bury the richest treasure we have.  We do that by not becoming the people we might have been-- by not taking that leap of faith, not allowing ourselves joy in our love life with God.  And so we, too, can cast ourselves into that outer darkness where there is only weeping and gnashing of teeth.  For that is the natural consequence of burying your most beautiful and sacred treasure.  Your body may keep on living, but your soul is buried, your life is buried... and you are utterly alone.  To all those who have, more will be given, and to those who have nothing, even what they have will be taken away....When we bury our treasures that come from God we don't grow; in fact, we shrink more and more and our light grows ever dimmer.  When, in fact, God gave us that light within ourselves to share with the world, to light up our little corner of the universe-- to help others know peace, and most of all the transforming, empowering love of God..  What is Jesus trying to say?  I think he's telling us, Do not let your light go out in this world, don't use my words for death instead of life, don't hole up in your self-dug graves and bury the treasure that I am giving you now....

       The Church historically has a well-earned reputation of stomping out anything that brings joy, freedom of expression and absolute fun...Yep, it still goes on.  We still hear of Christians trying to ban this or that in an effort to keep out all evil.  We still hear of Christians bringing judgment and damnation to an otherwise exhilerating event.  In the recent elections it wasn't about who you voted for and why-- but I heard too many people making it about good and evil, Them and Us.  Christians making other Christians feel damned for voting for the other guy, as if politics is ever more than just politics.  You may notice that Jesus never ran for any official office or even sponsored anyone seeking official leadership. 
      Why are we here?  Why do we come here?  Is it just another burden that we bear?  Something we do out of guilt-- something to win points with God?  Do we come because that's what good people do?  They go to church?  Do we come to put in our time-- check it off for the rest of the week?  Or do we come to be transformed?  Do we come because we find joy here?  Do we come because this is family?  Do we come because we have a sense that God has given us a remarkable gift, leaving the future of the Kingdom of God in our shaky, all-too-human hands?  Do we come, because we remember who we are, truly, when we are here?  Do we come out of sense of obligation or have we opened up our lives to the extravagant transformation of the Gospel and to a life of adventure in Jesus Christ?  Do we bury our greatest treasures in the ground only to spend our time and energy running in mad circles over things that will not ultimately last?  

        I hope you haven't lost that sense of gift.  I hope you don't bury that gift in the ground or in the deep recesses of your hearts and souls, or tuck them away on the highest shelves of your storage room and wonder why you've lost all sense of joy in living....  The gift is ours, the gift given from a dying friend who promises us that he will in  fact live again, and that when we join him on the journey, life can be so extraordinary, adventurous, radically joyous beyond our human comprehension... So let's stop digging around in the backyard.  There's a whole world out there in need of what gifts you have to give.  It's a tough world, yes, and it gets scary.  But don't be afraid.  Life with Jesus can be an awesome adventure.  So put down your shovel.... and enter.. into the joy of your master.  

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Autumn



it's the smell
that gets me
every time
the crispness of the air
aroma of dried leaves

and the sound
of fallen leaves tumbling
across yellowing grass
mowing done for the season

the aroma of wood burning
anticipation of fires in the fireplace
cozy evenings spent
bundling up and turning in

also on the air is a sadness
a letting go
remembering of other
deaths

relinquishing an old life
for the unknown new
holding your hand
as you said goodbye

to the lake
the geese
sandhill cranes
the stuff of this world you loved

it is the in-between time
summer warmth
and bitter winter cold
light and dark

the shadows creep
over the earth slowly
the trees brightening, glowing
before their seasonal bow

it is the season of remembering
growing, leaving,
relinquishing, loving
it is the season of Color

and of life
renewed.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Seizing the Day




      "What do you WANT??!"  Mr. Perry yelled at his son.
       The frightened kid started to speak, but then shut his mouth.  "Nothing," he whispered, and sat down.  In the darkness, every muscle in my body was tensed in sympathy and despair.
     
      I have refrained from writing about Robin Williams' death, as obviously there's been a deluge of reflections, responses and tributes already.  Who am I to write about him?  It would sound crazy to write about grieving a man I never met.  And yet his death has haunted me these last several weeks.  It's time for me to say my word, perhaps, as a way of moving on.
      I watched "Mork and Mindy" faithfully back in the late '70s, and as often happens, picked up some of the sayings, phrases and familiar expressions on the show.  When I tried to be funny, I automatically followed it with an "Ar!Ar!" Mork-laugh.  He was so insane and bizarrre and unique in that role.  And he made me laugh.  I was in junior high school.  I really needed to laugh!  Ar! Ar!
     But what forever etched Robin Williams into my consciousness and heart was "Dead Poets Society,"  one of his first serious roles.  I was 24 years old, living in my first apartment, working several clerical office jobs with no major goals for my life.  I was very depressed.  I had a college degree in Psychology, which is almost useless, but I had no means to go to graduate school.  All of my money went into rent and groceries.  It wouldn't be long before Garth Brooks would record a song called "I'm Much Too Young to Feel This Damn Old," and it would be my theme song.
     I was clinically depressed, but it wouldn't be diagnosed for another 12 years.  I was tired, bored, lonely and uninspired.
     I had been to Ocean City, NJ for the United Methodist Annual Conference and been shaken by a sermon that seemed to speak to my condition of being stuck. It was preached by a total stranger. It made me angry, it stirred me up, and finally, it plopped me back down in my depression, where I didn't know what to do about my condition of being stuck.
    I drove west for 6 hours the next week to spend a few days with a friend in Pittsburgh.  I'd wanted to stay and live in Pittsburgh with her the previous summer, but I ran out of money and options for jobs.  While I visited her, we went to the movies to see "Dead Poets Society."  I liked Robin Williams, remembering "Mork and Mindy," and I was intrigued to see him in a serious role.  I identified profoundly with Todd Anderson; the nervous, bumbling, shy student who dreamed of big things but was scared to death-- or as Professor Keating said of him, he thought of himself as worthless, that there was nothing special about him inside.  The scene of Keating and Todd spinning out a spontaneous poem together underneath the portrait of Walt Whitman made me weep. I wanted to be Todd in that moment, to have Mr. Keating look at me like that, draw me out of myself and celebrate what he saw. 
      "Don't you forget this,"  Keating said to Todd, pulling his forehead forward to touch his, and I knew I never would. In that moment, I was Todd, aching to let my true self out. It was a moment that Keating empowered Todd to see more in himself than anyone else had ever dared to see in him.  I said a silent "thank you" to Keating, and for all the Keatings in my own life to that point.
      But it was the character of Neil Perry that really upset me.  He was always doing the right thing, the good thing, making his parents proud, doing exactly what they expected of him and doing it well.  That is, until Mr. Keating stirred something in him-- dreams that he didn't know he had.  He felt a passion and an excitement that was foreign to him.  He dreamed of acting, of letting go, coloring outside the lines, trying something totally unlike the life he'd lived so far.  He was giddy with excitement when he got the lead role in the local play and savored every moment of the rehearsals.  Then Dad showed up.  Told him he was crazy, irresponsible.  Dad didn't understand dreams-- his life was so orderly and predictable, well-controlled.  Joy was not part of his life.  It was a frivolous emotion, and unnecessary.
        The night that Neil went ahead with the opening night of the play, he was brilliant.  He discovered a special talent inside of himself, and the audience affirmed it, lifted him up, cheered him!  Sitting there in the darkened theatre, I could feel his elation, his breathlessness at experiencing a freedom in that moment that he'd never known.  He stared out at the cheering audience-- cheering for him.  I cried again. Then Dad showed up.
        He took Neil home, yelled at him, reminded him of all the sacrifices that he'd made to get Neil where he was.  His mother, meanwhile, was a nervous, weepy, anxious backdrop to the militant Mr. Perry.  All she could do was watch and weep, powerless to speak up-- spineless. Unable to stand up for her own son.
        "What about what I want??!"  Neil burst out desperately in a rare moment of anger.
        "What YOU want?? What DO you want?? Tell me!!" his father screamed back at him, nearly physically pushing him down with the weight of his presence.
         Neil cowered, lost his courage, lost his freedom, lost his passion.  "Nothing," he whispered, and he sat down, almost curling up into a fetal position.  He shriveled.
          If you saw it, you know the following scenes.  The slow, tortuous movement toward a decision that seemed to click into place in that moment that he shriveled in his father's presence.  He'd tasted life, and it was stomped out in front of him, by the one who was supposed to love him and support him.  The one who was supposed to help him be who he was born to be.
         In the theater, I shriveled up in my seat as I watched Neil move slowly through the scenes, down the stairs; calm, accepting, resolute.  I was literally begging him not to do it, please God, don't do it.  No.  Please. Nooooooooooo.....
         I was shattered by Neil's suicide.  It scared the hell out of me-- and I mean that quite literally.  I wept when Mr. Keating read the words of Thoreau in the front of the book used at Dead Poets meetings:

        "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, for living is so dear..."   

      Robin Williams, the man who'd made me laugh through junior high school... wept as Mr. Keating.  And of course it went on.  The ones who were to blame--his parents--blamed Mr. Keating, for inspiring their son to follow his dreams, for stepping across their boundaries, and for daring to believe that joy was possible.
         At the end, as Mr. Keating walked by Todd--  even in his defeat giving Todd a chance to speak up and let go of some of the hurt-- I ached.  Then that iconic, unforgettable scene when Todd stands up on that desk, crying out, "O Captain, my Captain!".  The others follow suit while the stuffed-shirt Dean desperately tries to restore order.  But passion wins out.  Dreams, joy and reaching for the stars wins out over the stuffed-shirt system of doing things.  And I was a weepy mess. 
        I've seen that movie many, many times since.  But when I left that theatre and days later had 6 hours of driving to think about it, I was scared.  I was stuck inside all the lines drawn around me and my life.  I knew that I felt so bad that if nothing changed, Neil's fate could have been my own.  It scared --literally-- the hell right out of me.  It inspired me to get off my butt and consider that God was trying to tell me something.  Turns out, he was.  Carpe Diem, Peggy!  Step out of the box.  Live, Girl!  Have I got an idea for you... 
       Carpe Diem.  I bought a sweatshirt that had that on it.  Seize the Day, darlin'.  Don't settle for what's safe, what's easy, what other people expect of you.  Or you will die inside, like you have been for a long, long time.

       Robin Williams was the voice that sent that message to me.  I've watched that movie so many times I can almost recite each line of the movie, word for word.  The faces, the images, the words are all deeply ingrained in me.  I've seen many movies with Robin Williams in them, many of which have also inspired me.  He put his heart and soul into those roles, he made you believe that he was who he was playing.  I wanted a teacher like him.  I wanted a mentor like him in my life.  That movie scared me to life, literally, and it was his voice that called the alarm.  It's true that I have no idea what he was like as a person, although judging from the responses to his death, he was much like I imagined him to be;  someone who was, in fact, passionate about life, about giving, about helping and giving joy.  The fact that he killed himself, of course, made his death even more poignant and shocking and sorrowful.  But having known depression myself, having lived with it, I can understand a bit.  I know what it's like to feel bad for no good reason, to be enveloped in darkness and no prayer, no Bible verse, no song can pull you out.  You can't justify how you feel to someone else.  It's a darkness that comes over you, like a total eclipse of the sun, and sometimes  you just have to hold on.  It saps your energy, it sucks out any joy from you like the dementors from Azkaban.  You don't feel like you'll ever feel good again or that you can take another step.  I get that. So this man who was the voice of my own inspiration to reach through the darkness, could not finally quite reach far enough himself.  And that broke my heart. 
         A couple of years ago, we put up framed movie posters in our T.V. room, and in the center, right above our T.V. is the movie poster for "Dead Poets Society" with Robin Willaims riding joyfully on the shoulders of the teenagers he inspired, celebrating life, celebrating freedom.  I'm so sorry he couldn't know what a huge impact he had on people's lives all across the world.  I truly believe, though, that he knows now and he can finally know the fullness of joy that he deserved to know but couldn't on this earth. 
         Thanks, Robin Williams.  I hope you get that front row seat at Elvis' concert that you were hoping for.  You certainly spread the joy.  Thank you. 

   

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Donuts and Grace



     In 1985 I had just finished my first year of college in Pennsylvania and needed a job for the summer.  For some reason, jobs weren't all that plentiful, but when I'd been looking the summer before, the manager at Dunkin' Donuts had promised me one when I came back the following year.  My father really didn't want me to take the job.  Dunkin' Donuts in Woodbury, New Jersey was literally on "the other side of the tracks."  Actually, it was right on the other side, but it was on the edge of what we called the "black section" of town and not-so-pretty section.  We didn't go to Dunkin' Donuts to sit and drink coffee, we only went there to pick up a dozen to go because it really wasn't the classiest of establishments.  The manager himself sat on one of the stools in an old white T-shirt with cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve;  not the picture of a respectable businessman.  Usually he was surrounded by a dodgy crowd of people from all walks of life, not usually from our own.  My father confessed that he sometimes was worried about getting shot in the back if he stood with his back to the glass walls.  I don't know that he had made any enemies quite that intense, but needless to say, the place made him nervous.

         But this didn't keep us from stopping in and picking up a dozen deep-fried, sugary, empty-calorie but oh-so-delicious delicacies to eat with our coffee... at home. 

         My father groaned audibly when I told him where I was working.  He looked more than a little bit alarmed, too, when I told him I was working the 6 p.m to midnight shift. 

           It was not a high-paying job, mind you, but it was better than nothing at all.  I think I made $2.40 an hour, justified by the fact that we got "tips"-- although the regulars left just dimes and nickels for our tips.  I wasn't going to pay off my college tuition with that paycheck.  And yet the experience I gained was priceless.

          The crowd that was there in the evening was mostly the same, regular crowd.  Think "Cheers" with characters in white T-shirts, dirty jeans, and bloodshot eyes.  There was Jim, a truck driver who drove locally, apparently, because he was always there at the end of the day.  He was always flirting with me and asking me to run off to Atlantic City with him for the weekend.  There was Ralph, an old, dirty-necked guy who wheezed horribly when he laughed, but kept lighting another cigarette off the previous one in between sips of coffee.  He was always sitting by the payphone waiting for his "girlfriend" to call.  He was always talking about his "old bag" of a wife who "had no idea" about his little "dollface" on the side.  There was Pat, a very large man who took up two stools and wore the same shirt everyday.  His hair was long and greasy and he talked with a lisp, mostly because of his front crooked teeth, and didn't appear to have an education above the first grade, but when it came to me, he confessed he was "in love."  And then there was "Digger"-- no his real name, of course.  Digger was a short, red-eyed black man who wore a dirty Ford cap and called me "Sweetie" and "Honey" and thought we were a lot alike because we were both "preacher's kids."  No one knew Digger's real name, but once he found out that my "Daddy" was a preacher he said he was gonna tell me his real name. 

         "Ain't nobody here know my real name,"  he said, "but I'm-a gonna tell you now," and the others leaned in real close as Digger motioned me forward.  "My name is Hezekiah Wiggins after King Hezekiah in the Bible, because my mama was a good Christian woman!" 

         The others slapped the counter and laughed out loud.  "Hezekiah Wiggins! I'll be damned!  That's a pretty big name for such a scrawny little guy like you!"  exclaimed Ralph. 

          Digger looked at him very seriously.  "My mama was a good Christian woman, she raised me to love Jesus," he said, nodding his head very seriously. 

           When I first went to work there, my father had gotten me so worked up with fear that I wouldn't go anywhere near the customers at first.  I'd take their orders, give them what they wanted, take their money, and then plant myself back at the cash register.  Finally, my manager must have gotten complaints.

            "You gotta talk to the customers, darlin',"  he admonished me.  I sighed.  Ok. 

           I was a pretty sheltered preacher's kid.  My world was pretty small and clean.  Even the church parsonage was located in the rich part of the neighborhood, among the doctors' and lawyers' houses, far on the other side of town.  My father started driving me and picking me up, because he feared for my safety.  Two of the walls of the store were glass, so at the counter, I was on display for the whole world to see.  People driving by could see who was, in fact, hanging out at the local donut shop that was open 24 hours.  After  6:00 p.m. it was pretty much the same crowd.  The rest of the world did as the Michaels did-- they got their donuts to go. 

           I nervously drew further away from the cash register and tried to make conversation with the clientele, but it was nerve-wracking.  The closer it got to midnight, the weirder the crowd.  But those same regulars that I named hung out my whole shift, nursing their one cup and free refills hour after hour.  There was one man who wanted to show me his key-chain of a little monkey, and kept coaxing me closer so I could see it better.  I didn't want to get too close because the guy was a little scary, but as soon as I got close enough,  he pressed the monkey's belly and out popped a penis that was much larger than its owner.  I backed off quickly and stayed away from that guy.

        "Oh, c'mon honey, get back over here, I wanna show you my monkey!" he said in a fake innocent voice.  I pretended to sort the donuts.  Donuts were never so organized at that establishment. 

         The baker on my shift was a short, young woman who looked like she'd done time and fought her way through.  She was small, but you didn't mess with her.  She'd seen things, and I could only imagine what she'd done.  She liked messing with me, too.  One night, close to midnight, a couple of older women came in, one very large, and the other had spent way too much time in the sun.  Her skin was leathery and dirty.  The bigger one had a mass of black curls covering her head and flowing down her back and she talked in a gruff voice.  They both ordered coffees and sat at the end of the counter away from everyone.  Every once in awhile, another customer would sidle up to one of them, strike up a conversation, and the two of them would leave together and disappear into a van parked at the edge of the parking lot.  After awhile, the woman would come back alone, get a refill of her coffee and just sit. 
          "You know what's going on, don't you?"  Lynn the baker asked me one night. 
          "What do you mean?" I asked innocently.
          "You know what those men are doing with those women out there in the van, don't you?"  she said, smiling.
          "You mean...?"
          "Yep, honey, they got quite the business going.  The boss knows about it, but he pretends he doesn't, because they bring in more customers,"  she said, winking, and walking back into the back room.

            One night at midnight, my father pulled into the parking lot and flashed his lights to pick me up.  All of my new friends turned around on their stools and faced him through the glass.  I started to untie my little pink donut-tree apron and gather my stuff to go.
            "Is that your Daddy?"  Digger asked excitedly.
            I smiled.  "Yes," I said, and before I knew it,  Digger had jumped off of his stool and was out of the store, knocking on my father's car window.  I stopped to watch as my father hesitantly and nervously rolled down his window and Hezekiah introduced himself as the local gravedigger in town.  He remembered seeing my father presiding over burials in the local graveyard and he just wanted to tell my father what a pleasure it was to meet him. 
            My father looked back at me through the glass, with a kind of deer-in-the-headlights look, imploring me to come out and save him.  
            He decided I could drive myself from that night on. 

            One night, I worked with Pat, a hard-living, trash-talking, bullying kind of woman who got very impatient with me and my pace.  She was not an attractive woman, but she flirted shamelessly with the men at the counter and often lifted her skirt and said some pretty crude things, egging them on.  She just plain did not like me, and often berated me as a "goody-two-shoes, fancy-pants preacher's girl."  As we went through a rush at the counter, she kept yelling at me, pressuring me and getting me all worked up and stressed, until at one point, I rushed to put on more coffee and somehow jammed the filter.  When I hurried back to see why the coffee wasn't dripping through, I thoughtlessly pulled out the filter that was full of boiling hot coffee that immediately rushed out over my hands.  I let out a piercing scream and within minutes,  Jim had jumped and swung his legs over the counter, grabbed my hands and immediately shoved them into the cooler full of ice.  The pain was excruciating.  He yelled at another of the customers to get on the phone and call the boss, while he kept my hands underneath the ice cubes.  I stood there and sobbed, shaken and in pain, while he talked gently to me, soothing me and calling the other woman all kinds of nasty names. 

          The boss arrived, asking "what the hell happened here??" and so the other woman got into a lot of trouble because all of the regular customers related how she'd been driving me hard all night till I was just a bundle of nerves.  She never messed with me again.  In fact, she was never scheduled to work the same shift as me again.  The boss took me to the emergency room, and by the time we got there, my right hand was covered in ugly large blisters.  They gave me some painkillers and wrapped it up in gauze after applying some salve on it.  They said I'd have the blisters for awhile, and the first night would be painful.  All night it felt like my hand was on fire and I didn't sleep much. 

           After that night, the guys were particularly tender toward me.  When I got off at midnight, they all turned around on their stools to watch me walk to my car, to make sure nothing happened to me.  Another night,  a small Hispanic man came running into the store late at night and accosted a larger, African-American man.  He started screaming at him in Spanish, shoving him off his chair, beating on him until his face was bloody, until the other guy turned on him and started beating back.  Lynn the baker ran out of the back room and jumped into between them, screaming and cussing at both of them as they tried to get around her at each other again.

            "Call the police!"  she yelled at me.  I ran back and did just that.  The police came quickly and broke up the fight, cuffing the little Hispanic guy after they discovered a very sharp knife and an impressive looking ice pick in his back pocket.  After they left,  the waitress for the next shift came in stepping over a puddle of blood and asked me, 

            "You gonna clean that up?"  I was horrified.  Really?  I told her what happened and she shook her head and laughed.  "Oh honey, that ain't nothin'.  That's regular business around here,"  she said.  I went home a bit shaken, and of course my father wanted me to quit right away.  But I only had a couple of weeks left, and I knew the guys at the store would continue to look out for me.  I was too old for him to actually forbid me, and so feeling a little rebellious, I went back.  And it was true, the guys did look out for me, to make sure nobody "messed" with me. 

            A couple of weeks later, I worked the Saturday afternoon shift on my last day.  The guys from the evening shift all showed up on Saturday afternoon to say goodbye.  I noticed Pat had on a new-to-him clean shirt.
           "I got this shirt just for you,"  he said proudly. 
            Hezekiah was wearing a shabby old tie.  Even the prostitutes showed up.  At the end of my shift that day, as I was untying my apron,  Hezekiah got off of his stool and stood up (he was the same height).  He held up his hand, cleared his throat and said,
            "I want everybody's attention now.  Miss Sue," he said, "we are awfully glad that you come to work here at our shop, and we are going to miss you a whole lot.  Now I want you to go back to school and study real hard, and make your daddy proud.  You keep on bein' a good Christian girl and don't let anybody make you do anythin' different, ya hear?"  He swallowed, and I noticed, his bloodshot eyes were suddenly full of tears.

            "I wanted to give you a little somethin', it ain't much, but I took a collection, and we all wanted to give you something to show you how much we like you,"  he said, and handed me a dirty envelope, smudged with fingerprints, but with my name sloppily written on the outside in what looked like a child's handwriting.  Inside was a card signed by all the regulars, and inside the card was a crisp new $10 bill.  I laughed self-consciously, but I was deeply touched.  Then, one by one, they all lined up and came by and shook my hand over the counter and wished me well.  I would've hugged Digger/Hezekiah, but the counter was between us.  He sniffled, tears running down out of his blood-red eyes. 
           "You listen to your Daddy, ok?  You be good,"  he said, wiping his nose on his sleeve and shuffling out the door.

            I never saw any of them again.  I got busy with my life and school, and a couple of years later when I went back to Woodbury, I noticed they'd closed it down, and by now, I have no doubt, there's something else in its place.  I always liked Dunkin' Donuts coffee and donuts, but I admit I have a special place in my heart for it precisely because of the guys at the Woodbury Dunkin' Donuts who opened my eyes just a little that summer of '85 and surprised me with their grace and kindness.  The Dunkin' Donuts I go to now are always much cleaner and nicer, much more well-kept, and no one has to wear those god-awful brown and pink uniforms with donut trees all over them.  But whenever I get to taste those sugary treats now, I always think of Digger and his eyes full of tears. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Jubilee

 
"When we look back and say, 'those were halcyon days,
we're talking 'bout Jubilee..."
--mary-chapin carpenter

        As my birthday approaches tomorrow, June 22, people who know have asked me what age I will be turning.  When I say "49," they say, "Oh, so next year is the big 5-0, eh?" and chuckle.  Which confirmed my idea that 49 is kind of a boring number.  It's an almost-number.  I'm almost-50.  I "will be" 50.  It's the end of my 40s and the anticipation of a new decade.  No big deal.  You don't tend to get surprise parties or an open house for 49, though I'm not big on parties.

       And yet my 49th birthday seems like a beginning of good things.  For the last 6 months, strangely enough, I've felt a sense of anticipation, a mysterious stirring.  It's one of those sensations that is hard to put into words, but I've been in the midst of a lot of learning.  My 49th year was a very mixed bag.  The first half of it was very dark and difficult.  I learned things, however, that one can only learn by getting through and looking back.  At the time, I was sure I was learning nothing, that God had somehow lost my address, and the lights went out and I didn't know which direction I faced.  And then things changed.  Quietly, slowly, almost imperceptibly at first.  Like a little spark in the midst of a deep darkness that goes unnoticed until it catches flame and slowly grows.  Or a hint of sunrise at the very edge of the horizon, making the landscape glow in a deep orange, slowly rising, spreading, warming the earth in slow birth.  Little things happened.  A change here.  An email.  A new friend on Facebook.  A conversation started, seemingly inocuous, but then deepening rapidly;  a wave snatching me by the ankles, pulling me down and into the depths of the waters to swim in the cold, crisp, salty sea.  Everything begins to look differently. 

         I learned a lot this past year.  I learned that everything  is not completely as it seems.  That you can't always trust your first perception, and that you need to pay attention to what you're thinking.  I need to pay attention to my attitude;  do I think all is lost, or that I've got that person all figured out?  Do I feel like God truly doesn't care or that I don't deserve goodness in my life?  Then all that I see and experience will be colored by those thoughts and my premonitions will come true.  I've learned that sometimes you have to hunker down and lean into the wind.  Keep walking.  "Don't ever, ever, ever, ever ever... ever give up," as Winston Churchill is believed to have said.  Keep moving forward, trusting in the next step, trusting that there is relief and warmth and peace, even love ahead. 

          I've learned how important it truly is to take one day at a time.  Today, just for today, I can get through most anything.  I don't have to look ahead at the whole week, the whole month, the whole year and despair.  Take this day, this moment, and breathe.  Open your eyes and look for the beauty.  There is always beauty. 

           The other day I was visiting a patient in the nursing home who is nearly incommunicable.  She's around 100 years old, so who can blame her for being worn out?  Her pastor came at the same time that I was there, and he talked with her, held her hand, as if she was in the conversation.  He prepared communion for her, and invited me to partake.  In the awkwardness of a tiny nursing home room, he knelt on the hard floor and lined up the plastic "shot glasses" of grape juice on the floor.  He soaked a wafer in the grape juice and held it to her lips.  Without opening her eyes, she instinctfully-- like a newborn baby at her mother's breast-- started sucking on the wafer.  He dipped it again and held it to her lips.  It was a tender, intimate moment, and I might have been holding my breath, as he so patiently kept dipping the wafer in the tiny cup and letting her suck.  Finally, the wafer was soft enough that he gently pushed it between her lips and she moved her mouth and tongue around to further dissolve it and receive it into her body. 
      
        "'This is my body,' Jesus said,"  the pastor whispered.  It was a moment that you wonder if you ought to look away from because of the vulnerability and raw tenderness of it all.  Then he gently turned to each of us, still on his 60-some-year-old knees on the hard floor, and offered us the wafer, 'the body of Christ,' and the juice in a tiny cup, 'the blood of Christ...' Amen.  I was in awe of his ability to reach her, love her, and touch her with the sacrament as if she were fully functional, and in that moment she was-- able to receive the gift, able to partake of Christian community.  That is something they don't teach in seminary; rather, it comes from the soul.  It was the first time I had had communion in a very long time, and how fitting that it ought to be in such a humble, intimate setting.

         You've come a long way, baby, I imagined God saying with a wink.  I think God talks like that sometimes.  I think he gets tired of people accusing him of being so stuffy and formal.  After all, we are his children-- needing of sustenance, food, comfort, peace, inspiration, encouragement, and that most basic need-- basic, freely-given, gracious Love. 

       I've learned this year that life is not "all or nothing."  That's a biggie for me.  My husband Larry lovingly believes that Billy Joel wrote "Darlin', I don't know why I go to extremes!" for me personally.  I have been the All or Nothing Queen.  But no one is all good or all bad.  Some friends are closer than others, and no one person can fulfill all your needs.  Gathering Hurts is not a helpful hobby.  There is a lot of pain in this life, and I have finally given up on trying to explain why.  I do not believe that God gives us pain-- why would a loving parent DO that?  Pain happens.  It's the world we live in.  I'm ok, now, with not having all the answers, because no answers I come up with can fix everything anyway.  When a two-legged tornado wipes out half a town in my favorite state, there are no words that can explain that can bring back those who died or make it all less horrifyingly sad.  But in the midst of that destruction, God comes.  It doesn't matter why these things happen, the fact is, they do.  And in the rubble, loving people gather; send food, help the victims sort through the damage, collect clothes and food and water, give shelter, and help carry those people back to Life again.  And God is in the midst of all of that.  There is life after death, and new beginnings after devastation, and believing that will help us breathe.  There's no use, I've learned, in thinking 'what would I do?' and then worrying my pretty little head about it.  It may never happen to me.  Other things do happen, and when they do, you just keep getting up in the morning, ask for help from the heavens and from your neighbors, and trust that one day you'll breathe normally again.  I've had things happen in my life that I was sure I could never live through, and yet here I am.  Still walking, talking, breathing and loving.  The last one is the biggest miracle.

          I've also learned that there is no one way to live this life.  That one was a biggie!  You have a sense of how things ought to go.  You give birth, you raise your child, they do child-y things, they grow up, graduate, go to college, are successful in life, get married and give you adorable grandchildren.  But it doesn't always go so neatly, and doesn't always cover all those bases.  They zig and zag through life, like I did.  There's no one straight path.  Sometimes to find our way, we have to take a lot of turns, U-turns, "re-calculating!" as Mrs. Garmin tells me all the time, re-group, look at a different map.  I see that children aren't always born healthy or they bring something that wasn't anticipated in the neat plan.  Then I see the unique gifts those detours, or alternate routes bring to lives, including my own. 

         This moment is important.  Right now.  I'm learning to see the simple goodness of each moment.  A look across the room during a boring meeting.  A smile.  A particularly fat squirrel outside that my cats are eyeing with drool coming out of their tiny little mouths.  A bird with colors and patterns on it that I'd never seen before flying across my vision.  Even a person I thought I had all figured out, doing something or saying something that I never dreamed they could or would and I suddenly feel grace toward someone I didn't particularly like.  Life is never what it seems in any given moment, but it's like a toddler always resisting your grasp, your summation, and therefore your staleness-- inviting you to come and play.

             And so, I begin my Jubilee year with eyes wide open, and most importantly, my heart wide open.  I want to learn all that I can learn, feel everything I'm supposed to feel even if it hurts, and write, write, write, because that's one thing I've always known about myself for sure.  The only thing, it turns out.   I am a writer.  I will write.  And I will let life happen in me, through me, and to me.  And in the midst of it all, I will savor the sweetness of it, like grape juice on a styrofoam wafer, sucking on it till I get all the sweetness out of it that I can, and then let that goodness grow in me. 

            Peace, my friends.  Have wings!


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

the day the wind changed



days with you
were like
magic

from sad, bookworm days
shy, stumbling
writing dark poetry

your house was a kingdom
of sorts
like jumping into Bert’s chalk pictures

going on a jolly holiday
riding merry-go-round horses
and winning a race

crossing your threshold
I was scooped up
into dancing, laughing

bright colors
twirling, fun games
where everybody won

you even tucked me in
at night
with a face-full of kisses

your bright eyes
hands on my face
in an ordination of beauty

love
that’s what it was
unlimited, musical, a feast

a grab of the hand
into spontaneous dance
a linking of arms dancing down the midway

you never hid
that there were demons lurking
in your heart too

but you chose me
as your partner
for the dance of grace

we danced on rooftops
got dirt on our faces
and giggled

but of course
though your heart was torn
and it pained you to know

we couldn't have tea 
on the ceiling
forever

you had to leave
leaving me on a damp dark street
with a torn kite

on the day
the wind changed.