Saturday, March 21, 2015

A Place I'd Never Been Before


"He was born in the summer of his 27th year, 
coming home to a place he'd never been before..."
--John Denver, "Rocky Mountain High"


         It's inevitable, when I meet someone new here in Nebraska and they find out I'm from New Jersey originally, they always say, "Wow, how did you end up in Nebraska?"  And they say "Nebraska" like they might say "WalMart" or "McDonalds."  With a hint of self-deprecation.  When I connect with people from my past, whom I knew in New Jersey, they say, "why Nebraska?" as if to say, "why would anyone want to live in Nebraska?"  Of course, when I tell people that my parents moved to Mississippi the reaction is even worse and I catch them stopping themselves from saying  "Ew!"  as they try to keep their face from looking like they just stepped in dog poop.  

          I expect that kind of reaction from my friends and family back east, but I never get used to people actually from Nebraska say, "why did you voluntarily come here?"  Maybe they are just too close to it, too familiar with it to see the value.  

          When I was Larry's fiance, I lived in Osmond, Nebraska for a month with his church secretary while I waited to go to seminary at St. Paul School of Theology in Kansas City.  Larry was the pastor at Osmond, a small town of about 1800.  It was fun being the pastor's girlfriend because of course they fussed over me.  But I instantly fell in love with small town Nebraska. 

      I never felt truly at home in New Jersey.  It's overcrowded, intense, constantly moving, and it's hard to get away from that and find some nature to dwell in.  There are some beautiful areas of NJ, don't get me wrong, and I will always miss the beach, but I won't miss the 11 million people crammed into that tiny space.  It was impersonal.  Stressful.  Just driving from one place to the other was a source of stress.  

         In Osmond, I walked down to the post office and they knew who I was.  Strangers chatted me up on the street, waved to me and smiled.  I could charge things to Larry's account at the grocery store without any ID.  The streets were safe for children to walk to school by themselves.  All over the state, wherever we drove,  strangers waved with one finger-- the index, not the middle finger like in New Jersey.  Across the street, strangers waved or nodded.  In the department store or the grocery store,  strangers struck up conversations with you.  They complimented my rings or my clothes.  Or they talked about the weather.  Weather is very important in Nebraska!  And it's extreme, I learned.  Really hot in the summer and really cold in the winter.  Driving was not usually a stressful activity, unless you were in Omaha or Lincoln.  In most other places, you just go from here to there without incident.  You can usually drive 60 miles in one hour, and see the town up ahead 10 miles long before you get there.  

         That's the main thing about Nebraska, when I arrived in Osmond in the January of 1990-- even though we wouldn't live there after that year-- I felt like I'd come home to a place I'd never been before, just like John Denver's boy in the song.  He was talking about neighboring Colorado, of course, but the meaning felt deep and familiar.  I was home.  Not in one town specifically-- we'd live in several places before we settled in Gibbon, but the state.  Nebraska instantly felt like home.  It felt like the place I'd been longing for.  A wide-open place, where you can see the sunset or sunrise just as it starts on the horizon.  A place where you can breathe the fresh air and there's plenty of room to move and live.  

          Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect.  We have murders, domestic violence, ridiculous politics, corrupt corporations, and all that normal stuff.  But it's all easier to deal with when you can go down to the local grocery store and chat with the cashier about the weather or how the college football team is doing or what your kids are up to.  Going to the post office or the grocery store is a social event.  Going to the nursing home on Game Day you will see a room full of elderly people wearing Husker shirts and staring at the T.V., whether they have dementia or not.  Weddings are not scheduled on Game Day if they can help it, or the wedding party will be watching the game in the bar during the reception.  Even if you don't care for football (don't tell anyone) you wear red on Saturday and you feel like you belong somewhere.  

          For me,  Nebraska is a gentle place.  Yes, people fight, some can be mean, it doesn't matter where you go, you'll find such people.  After 20 years of living here, I consider myself a Nebraskan, though the locals may not.  And I resent it too, when someone from some other place-- particularly the coasts-- come in and think that they can do what they do here and push people around.  Nebraskans insist that you be real. We spot "fake" a mile away, and we know when we're being manipulated and we don't like it.  And we don't like someone acting like they're better than us because they think we're just a bunch of hayseeds out here in The Middle.  I've met people in the isolated spots of Western Nebraska who have traveled all over the world, more so than some of my friends back East.  We probably have more time to read and think here, because the pace is slower than back on the coasts.  Plus it takes longer to get from here to there, so we tend to enjoy the view on the way.  I was an anxious child anyway, and I think if I'd stayed in New Jersey I might have just gone right over the edge from the anxiety that was  the air people breathe there.  And even though there is much more social diversity in the big cities,  I witnessed just as much racism, classism, sexism, every -ism. as I do here. People aren't necessarily more enlightened just because they are surrounded by diversity.  People are people no matter where they live.  

          I choose to live and die in Nebraska, because it is good for my soul.  It's gentle.  The landscape is gentle and beautiful, and as I drive from place to place, I always have something to look at that feeds my spirit.  It's my home.  I couldn't wait to get here, and it's where I need to be to be fully who I am.  And I am grateful. 

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Get Behind Me, Jesus!

Mark 1:21-28


Having both been pastors for so long 
                my husband and I have developed a strange
                        kind of religious humor
                                    yhat only the two of us understand
Whenever he suggests, for instance
            that we get some dessert
                        when I’m trying to watch my weight
Or if he suggests we give ourselves a break
            and not go to some event that we promised to go to
I’ll look at him and say, “Get behind me, Satan!”

And he knows that he’s tempting me to do something
            I’d really like to do but feel like I probably shouldn’t
Although he’s never actually tempted me to do any kind of evil
            and so calling him Satan is probably a bit over the top
                           but it’s our little joke

It's a reference to Jesus and Peter being on the road to Jerusalem
            When Jesus lets the disciples know
                        that he is going to have to die
and naturally, Peter pipes up and says,
            “Whoa!  Hold the phone!  Let’s turn around, Jesus!
                        You don’t have to do this!!
                                    You can’t die! 
                                                 Please, let’s turn around!”

And Jesus says to him, “Get behind me, Satan, you’ve got your mind
            set on human things, not divine things…”

Which to us, probably sounded a bit harsh
            Peter, after all, was just trying to save Jesus’ life…
But I understand
            Jesus didn’t want to die, either!
                        Nobody wants to die!
But he knew that if he was going to be faithful to God
            and not turn away from that commitment
                        he was going to get killed
To turn around would mean to abandon his faith, his commitment
It would save him a whole lot of pain
            but then he wouldn’t be able to live with himself….


                Jesus couldn't get a break.   He had just started his ministry, he was announcing himself to the world. It was his coming out party, time to introduce himself and who we was, what he was about--and he was doing well.  Everybody in the synagogue was impressed that day, he was a dynamic speaker, he blew people away…. When he taught, he taught with unusual authority; not authority that comes with a degree from a university, but a different kind of authority.  It wasn't just book learning--he didn't quote chapter and verse of the Scriptures.
His teaching held them mesmerized, they couldn't not listen.  He spoke to their souls ...

               Who was he? 
                     Where did he come from? 
                                  How did they not know him?
                                         What school did he go to? 
                                                Who was his mentor? 

               Man, he had them, had them in the palm of his hand when all hell broke loose.  The man came running down the aisle, hair disheveled, clothes torn, self-inflicted marks on his body.  People in the congregation cringed.  

"What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazereth?? 
Have you come to destroy us? 
I know who you are, the Holy One of God,"..


Nobody moved 
he might be armed 
people froze in place, 
frozen in fear 
the man was wild and crazy with rage 

But it doesn’t make any sense
Why is that man there?
He came running up to Jesus as if he wanted help
             like so many people did in those days
They heard him preach
and were moved to believe that this man could actually help
when no one else could
And yet he’s screaming,  “What have you to do with us, Jesus??
What do you want?  Have you come to destroy us??”

It doesn’t make sense
It looks like the man wants help
and yet he’s saying “what do you have to do with me?
Are you trying to destroy us?”

It would seem the man doesn’t know what he wants
He’s there, in Jesus’ presence
He didn’t have to come anywhere near him
Jesus would not have been a threat to him
If only he’d stayed away
and yet his body carried him there

“What have you to do with us, Jesus??
Have you come to destroy us?” 

What have you to do with us, Jesus?
Its’ a very good question
In this political climate these days
So many people are claiming to love Jesus
               and to want to do the right thing, the moral thing
and yet they do it with some vehemence, such hatred and meanness
              claiming to be Christian
                  claiming to be on the side of God
Damning, judging, excluding, justifying killing,
            all for political credibility, power and votes
damning the opponent, declaring them evil
            and worthy of death
                        in the name of God and morality

What have you to do with us, Jesus?
               Indeed, what?

It seems that there are a lot of folks who use Jesus’ name
and believe that all we have to do is believe in Jesus
                 and from there on out,  we have a free pass
to judge anyone who don't share our same beliefs

They stop listening to the rest of the story
they don’t listen to all that Jesus came to teach

Love your neighbor,
Feed the hungry,  empower the poor
             set the captives free
BE JESUS in the world
           Serve, love, give, don’t seek your own gain
but care for those who are broken
                    even if they seem downright crazy to you

What have you to do with us, Jesus??? They scream
          we scream
Are you trying to destroy us?
Are you trying to make us into something we don’t want to be?
Are you asking us to give up our lives as we know it
In order to better resemble you??

GET BEHIND ME, JESUS!  I can imagine them saying
         Don’t talk to me of the things of God
                  Don’t make me change my ways,
                        Don’t make me love the ones I hate…
GET BEHIND ME JESUS!!

Jesus, unlike the rest of the crowed, seemed unfazed 
            by the craziness in the man’s eyes
                       the rage, the conflict, the agony and violence


Jesus reached out his hand 
             and with a loud voice, and seeming anger in his own eyes, 
he said, "Be silent! Come out of him!" 
              and the man was thrown back onto the floor 
                     he squirmed and convulsed 
                              as if he were having a seizure 
                                       as if he didn't want this to happen 
                                                 as if he was holding on with all his might 
                                                          to keep the demon inside 
because, after all, he knew his demons so well
                                 they’d become like family!

and then with another ear piercing scream
the man came to rest on the floor, still as death


the unclean spirit was gone 
            I bet you could have heard a pin drop in that room 
people stared at the man 
                 nobody moving, maybe no one even breathing 


They looked at the man, 
           laying peacefully on the floor, 
               starting to rub his face, and groan,
                     and they looked up at Jesus, 
                           his face still stern and determined, focused 


"What is this?" someone said, breaking the silence 
                   "what is this?" they said fearfully 
                          "a new teaching? with authority! 
                               "even the unclean spirits obey him!" 
                                          and they looked at Jesus with fear 


Who was he, that he was that powerful? 
            that his words, his mere words 

                 had that kind of powerful effect? 


They didn't know whether to kiss his feet 
              or drive him out and send him over the cliff 
Get behind me, Jesus!

But for better or worse, 
             his fame spread throughout the region 
Everybody was talking about him 
            and nobody quite knew what to think 

This is one of those parts of the Bible 
            where people, including myself, 
                        feel somewhat justified in turning off their minds 
                               and resting for awhile 
'Ah, it's the demons, again,' 
                another one of those stories about Jesus casting out demons 
                       whatever that meant

Modern minds tend to believe 
               that the demons of that time were probably just your normal 
                      everyday mental illnesses 
People were primitive back then, 
         and didn't understand psychology or science 
                and so what do we do with these stories 
                      if we don't believe in demons anymore? 

Fred Craddock, a retired preaching professor once said, 

               "not believing in demons has hardly 
                        eradicated evil in our world.." 

They were also called unclean spirits 
                another word for unclean, is well, dirty 
                        dirty spirits 
I never knew how to relate to the image of unclean spirits 
               until Larry and I were appointed to a church in Pennsylvania 
                     right after the  pastor of 18 years 
                             had been abruptly removed 
                                      for several counts of sexual misconduct 
We moved into his house 
          
and it was the only time I felt like I lived in a haunted house 

Have you ever been the unfortunate one 
            to uncover secrets that nobody wants to know about? 
The congregation had an image of their pastor 
          to be bigger than life 
                 amazing, wonderful, they adored him 
He was, after all, charismatic, a dynamic preacher
and he showed himself to be caring-- especially to women
We moved into his home 
        where he had lived for 18 years 
We only lived there a year 
              because that's as much as we could stand 

In his anger at being kicked out, 
         the pastor had locked his dog and cat into one of the bedrooms 
                 for a few days 
For weeks we could not understand where that smell 
           was coming from 
We shampooed all the carpets in the house 
           we aired out the house, 
                   but still there was that persistent, awful, 
                               nauseating smell 
                                         coming from the back bedroom 
The carpet back there was saturated 
            had to be pulled, and the wood underneath needed to be treated 
We found fist-size holes in closet doors 
               broken windows that were covered up in duct tape 
We got phone calls in the middle of the night 
              and when we answered, the caller hung up 


I always referred to that parsonage as the Amityville Horror 
          I couldn't stand to be in my own house 
There was an unclean spirit in the house 
         as crazy as that sounds 
                a spirit of intense anger, violence, lies, 
                       broken relationships, 
                              and many many days, all I could say was that there was
                                        a spirit of evil in every room 
                                                  brokenness, deep pain, intense anger 
After that, I believe in unclean spirits 
            dirty spirits that linger and fester like untreated wounds 
                      spirits that make you sick, literally 
                            that cause irrational dissension 
                                   that keep bitterness and hate alive 
It had filtered out of the parsonage into the church 
           and it infested everyone there 
                  like a virus 
                        and there was nothing the two of us could do about it 
                               by ourselves 
                                        and we had to leave 

I believe in unclean spirits 
         unclean spirits are spirits that keep people sick 
                 that keep relationships from being healed 
                        spirits that keep hate alive 
                              and fan the flames of bitterness and dissension 


Unclean spirits are spirits that keep the work of Christ 
           from going forward 
I've sensed them in all the churches I've been in 
             when someone is excited about a ministry opportunity 
                       a chance to reach out to those in need 
                             and they feel a passion and excitement 
                                    about being Jesus to someone else 
                                           but then someone says, 
"what about liability issues? 
          can we get sued? 
            what if they damage the carpet? 
                        what if they leave a mess?

                               how much will this COST?"

When the ministry of Christ among us is interrupted 
            there are unclean spirits at work 
Whenever good things are kept from happening 
             or volatile arguments and fights 
                   keep our focus off of serving Christ, 
                        there are unclean spirits at work 
When the truth is told and someone is punished for it 
              because we don't like truth that is hard to hear, 
                         there are unclean spirits at work 

We may know a lot more about what causes 
            various mental illnesses 
                         but for the person who is caught up in that mental illness 
                                    it doesn't ultimately matter what science knows 
that person's spirit is still so painfully broken and in chaos 
             unable to receive love and mercy 
                    unable to feel the goodness of wholeness 
whatever the scientific explanations are, 
                that spirit is still unclean, burdened, tortured 
                         separated from God's peace 

Not believing in demons anymore 
has hardly eradicated evil in our world….. 

They didn't know if he was good or bad 
            They didn't know if that kind of power 
                   could possibly be a good thing 
But Jesus did it again and again, 
                 he drove unclean spirits out of people 
                         and restored them to wholeness and health again 


It's easy to dismiss these stories 
           as ancient, and therefore irrelevant 
but you know, I think you're crazy 
          if you ever think that unclean spirits aren't real and very much alive 


We are all possessed, really 
        and we're fools if we don't admit that 
We're all possessed by something 
             something or someone that keeps us from wholeness 
                     keeps us from knowing peace in ourselves 
                               keeps us from speaking truths that need to be spoken

We're all possessed 
           it's just a matter of knowing what it is that possesses us 
               so that we can be healed 
And we won’t always want to be healed
              won’t want to let go of those precious demons
                      we know so well…

We may come willingly to Jesus
            and yet say,  “leave me alone, don’t change me,
                        don’t heal me,  it will be too hard, there's too much to lose….”

Over and over again in the Gospel of Mark 
                 it is the demons and only the demons who know who Jesus really is--
                        the Holy One of God 
Those who were crazy, those who were dismissed as being sick 
           they were the ones who called him the Son of God 
                   and it was the so-called sane ones 
                          who finally put him to death 


The ancients believed that unclean spirits 
            were more powerful than human beings 
                 but less powerful than God 
                          and I think they're right 
                                  they didn't know the science or the psychology 
                                        but they knew the basic truth 
unclean spirits possess us 
               and are too powerful for us to heal on our own strength 
                       the only way we can be healed is by the power of God 
                              in Jesus Christ 
Over and over again, 
         we try to heal ourselves 
               we try to control our lives 
                      we try to fix it all by ourselves 
                               but it's only when we have the strength 
                                         to surrender to God 
                                                 to say, "God, I can't do this alone 
                                                         I am powerless over this thing-- 
                                                             this addiction, this rage, 
                                                                       this hate, this pain, whatever…" 
and then to say,

       "God, you take it 
                you take me, and heal me..
                         let me get out of your way and surrender my own control…" 
Wow, that's hard 
         We are a fix-it kind of people 
                we are a self-help culture 
             Read a book, attend a workshop, take a course!
                        Take a pill!and be healed! 

But we're all just crazy, when you come down to it 
we're crazy because we live in a crazy world 
and we are fools if we think that that's not going 
to rub off on us daily 
We are possessed because we live in a world that wants to possess us 
We join the mob spirit 
we believe what we read on the internet 
we let our emotions take over 
and take us to places that aren't pretty 
We are easily possessed 
because we haven't learned that we can't be in control 
and be healthy 

Unclean spirits are, as they always have been, 
more powerful than humans 
but less powerful than God 
and the only way we can be whole and healthy 
and a little less crazy, 
is to surrender daily to our life-giving God 
the only one who can drive out unclean spirits 
from our souls 
and make us clean 

But, beware, 
those spirits never leave quietly, do they?         
Change never comes easily
When Jesus rebuked them to come out, 
the spirits didn't just come willingly 
they were forced out 
and they didn't like it 
they convulsed the poor men and women 
threw them around, injured them and exhausted them 
on their way out, 
leaving them vulnerable and weak 

In another part of the Bible 
Jesus talks about being careful --
that if demons are driven out, 
then something good and healthy 
needs to fill that empty place 
otherwise, the door is left open 
for more vicious and more plentiful demons to enter once again 

In other words, when we are healed from our demons 
we need to still be vigilant, faithful, prayerful, 
actively filling that empty place with good things, 
good thoughts, good spirit--
or worse and more powerful unclean spirits will come to live in us 

Not believing in demons has hardly 
eradicated evil in our world 

Evil is alive and well 
we fan the flame of it every day 
we are easily caught up in it 
Especially when it comes in the guise
Of religious language and propaganda
Our only hope is to trust the Risen Christ 
our only hope is to stay closer to him 
surrender our spirits every day to him 
trusting him to fill us with good things, right things 
It's hard to let go of that control 
It's hard to not to fight good things 
Unclean spirits never leave quietly 
or without trying to get the last dig in 
before they are banished 
Don't give them voice 
don't give them room 
allow your hearts, minds, and souls 
to be filled with the powerful spirit of the Living Christ 
whose presence banishes unclean spirits 
whose power threatens and overwhelms them 

Every day, 
Every moment, 
let the spirit of Christ come in 
with each breath of air you take 
and someday, we pray, 
they'll all be gone 
forever 
and everyone 
will be at peace


Friday, January 9, 2015

In Plain Sight

In Plain Sight 

     I haven't written many short stories since I was a kid, but this one just came to me a couple of years ago.  There was a patient in one of our local nursing homes named Elvis J. Presley.  I never met him, and his door was always closed, so I couldn't even sneak a peak.  He was a very private person, I was told, and got annoyed after awhile by the attention he got from his name.  The nurses insisted he was older than the singer, but I glanced at the spine of his chart and noticed that his birth year was a couple of years later than the Mississippi-born superstar.  But my imagination ran away with me....




         Elvis woke up startled.  The dream had felt so real.  The same dream he’d been having several nights in a row.  He could see her so clearly, a young teenage girl with short blond hair and startling blue eyes, weeping.  God, those eyes!.  Every night it was the same thing.  Sometimes she was weeping with such sorrow.  Other times she was dancing joyfully in her bedroom.  It was like he was watching just outside her door, mysteriously drawn to her spirit, her soul, her heart. Then she turned around, seeing him, her hands suddenly covering her mouth —and he woke up. 
The old man swung his legs out of bed, shoving his feet into the slippers on the floor.  He rubbed his hands over his face and tried to wake up, reaching for his cane that leaned up against the wall. 
            He heard the noises outside of his door that indicated the rest of the nursing home had come back to life.  He kept his door closed whenever he was in the room.  A lot of people coming through visiting loved ones always wanted to get a peek at the old man who shared a name with the famous rock star, Elvis Presley.  Yes, he was born with it, he told them one more time.  His mother named him.
He never ceased to be amused at the attention his name got him, even in this tiny Midwestern town.  People needed to get a life, he thought.  At first he enjoyed listening to people’s stories of how they’d seen Elvis in concert and what his music meant to them.  But after awhile, he just wanted to be left alone, be another anonymous face in the white-haired Bingo crowd.  Sometimes he pretended to be asleep on the couch when visitors came walking through.  Occasionally he heard someone whisper to the nurse on duty,    
“Do you really have a resident here named Elvis Presley?” 
            “Yes,” the nurse would say patiently, “But he’s older than the singer.”  And the person would look around the room, wondering which one he was. 
            He depended on music to soothe his soul.  His repertoire consisted of Ray Charles, Beatles, Johnny Cash, blues, but mostly gospel.  He had some CDs of the Imperials and J.D. Sumner and the Stamps Quartet.  It wasn’t easy to find these things, but the nurses were good about getting online for him and even getting some old vinyl albums.  He’d given them the money to get one of those new record players. He loved to listen to the crackling sound of a vinyl record.  He would listen for hours.  No one disturbed him unless it was time for his meds or meals.  He preferred to take meals in his room, but sometimes he’d shuffle out to the dining room and sit with the ladies.  He preferred their company to the men who usually griped about the government or how their sons were messing up their farm businesses. 
Susan was a chaplain who came to the nursing home to visit with some of the residents.  Sometimes she’d lead a worship service in the chapel, but Elvis never went.  They were usually too tame for his taste. However, he’d overheard Susan talking to the other residents occasionally and she seemed to be alright.  She had an infectious smile and a beautiful voice.  Sometimes he overheard her singing to a resident in one of the neighboring rooms.  Her voice was sweet and pure, like a lullaby.    
            One day he was shuffling down the hall when he heard her singing, “Peace In the Valley.”  He stopped and listened for a moment.  His mama had loved that song.  He smiled and peeked into a nearby room.  He saw Susan kiss the forehead of an old woman lying in her bed.  Susan prayed over her, stroked her cheek, and quietly left the room. 
            Elvis was still standing there.  Susan looked up and saw him.  “Oh, hello,” she said, startled. 
            “Hello,” he said shyly, struck by the piercing blue of her eyes. “I’m sorry to startle you, I just heard you singing to Mavis. You have a beautiful voice.”
             “Thank you,” she said, blushing.
            He cleared his throat.  “I love gospel music. My mama used to sing to me all the time. There ain’t nothin’ like a good gospel song,” he said, turning into his room.
            Susan smiled, “That’s true,” she said, intrigued.  She saw the name plate by his door.  “Ohmygosh, I’d heard that they had a resident named Elvis Presley here, so you’re him, huh?” 
            It was Elvis’ turn to blush, though he’d played out this scene many times. “Yep, guilty as charged.” 
            “My daughter is crazy about Elvis.  Ever since she was a little girl and heard his music in a Disney movie,” she said.   
            Elvis looked into his room, and back at Susan.  He nodded.  “Yeah, he was the best,” he mumbled. “You wanna come in and visit a bit?”  He asked without thinking.  Damn, he was planning to take a nap.  
            “Sure,” Susan said, following him into his room. She often got a little bored with her job.  It’s not that she didn’t care, but many of the residents she visited had severe dementia and couldn’t participate in conversation.  She was beginning to wonder if she ever made a difference.
There wasn’t much in Elvis’ room that revealed anything about this man with the famous name.  There was his record player, a pile of records and CDs.  There were no pictures of family, just a few pictures of horses, motorcycles, and an old picture of Jesus above his bed.  A tattered Bible lay open on the nightstand.  King James.
            Susan looked around before sitting down on a nearby chair.  “So,” she ventured, “I bet you get a lot of questions about your name.”   
            “Yeah, I guess I do,” he said, sighing, but not offering any more information. 
            Susan wanted to ask so many questions.  How had his parents come up with that name?  Was it a common name back then?
            Susan tried again. “Do you have any family?”  It was one of her usual segue-ways into conversation.  People loved to talk about their family.
            Elvis turned toward her.  “Nope,” he said, “just me.” Silence.
            Susan studied his face.  He looked between 75-80 years old.  His eyes were a faded blue, his hair white.   He seemed weary, protective.  His face was a locked door.  She felt an unexpected kinship with this private man.
            “What did you do for a living?” she asked.  At this stage of life, many people loved sharing their memories, and just wanted someone to hear—be a witness—to their lives.  She suspected that this man had some fascinating stories. 
            Elvis drew in a deep breath and cleared his throat.  “Well,” he said, “a little of everything.  I drove truck for a while in my younger days.  Believe it or not, I tried doing some music gigs.  But it’s hard to be taken seriously when you’ve got a name that’s already taken by someone famous.”  
            Susan looked around the sparse room. Clearly he wanted to remain a mystery, retreat into the safe sanctuary of himself.  He wasn’t rude.  He was very courteous. Elvis looked around the room, obviously uncomfortable, and it was clear to Susan that he wanted her to leave.
            “Well,” she said, “I do need to head back to the office.  It was wonderful to meet you, my daughter will get a kick out of it when I tell her.”  She smiled.  Elvis suddenly noticed how beautiful she was. There was something in her eyes.  Behind the smile there was pain, and he knew pain.  This woman, he thought, is recovering from something.    
            Suddenly he felt anxious.  He didn’t know what triggered it. Something about her face looked so familiar.  For a moment he studied her brown hair and blue eyes, but couldn’t figure out what unnerved him. 
            “Uh, yeah,” he said, quickly recovering.  “Nice to meet you too, ma’am, take care,” he said, reaching for some albums and pretended to sort through them.
            Susan wondered what shut him down quickly, but cleared her throat and got up to leave.  She stared at the back of Elvis.  He was still trim for an “old man,” and well-kempt.  He clearly cared about his appearance.  She quietly left the room and pulled the door shut.  She lingered in the hall for a moment and heard the harmonizing sounds of the Imperials singing “Sweet, Sweet Spirit.” She listened for a moment and  heard another voice-- that of the old man, singing along.  His baritone voice was rich and full of emotion.  What a strange man, she thought.  With an ever-so-interesting name. 
            Susan walked slowly down the hall, looking at the residents playing cards at a table in the activity room. She didn’t notice Audrey, the charge nurse standing nearby, looking over a chart.
            “So you met Mr. P, huh?”  Audrey smiled.
            Susan jumped a little.  “Oh, yeah --- he’s not easy to get to know, is he?”
            “No,” said Audrey.  “He never has any visitors, no family to speak of.  In fact, we were all shocked that he let you in.  We’re not sure where he’s from, his records are pretty sparse.  We all call him Mr. P around here, because, well, it’s just too weird to call him Elvis.  He’s a dear man, but he’s a mystery.  We don’t know why he’s here.  He doesn’t require much care at all.”  She was careful not to give out too much information.
            Susan smiled.  She wanted to pry, but she knew the rules.  Characters in real life always fascinated her and she was a little frustrated that she couldn’t find out more about Mr. P.  Why didn’t he live at home?  Where did he come from?    
            Mr. P dozed off in his chair, listening to his records.  He dreamed he was on a beautiful beach, walking with a young woman, laughing and chasing her in the sand.  He smiled in his sleep.  He loved women!  But most of them hadn’t seen beyond his handsome face and charming ways.  They didn’t see his longing, his deep hunger.  For peace, for God, for a rest from the darkness that plagued him. His only relief was when he listened to music.  It was a feeling he could never sustain or store up to draw upon when he needed it.  Late at night  was the worst.
            The dream faded and there she was again. That girl with the blonde hair.  In the dream he could see she was an old soul. Someone like him.  She had a spirit of wisdom that exceeded her years.  He sensed that she understood how he felt.  Like an oddball or misfit who felt so deeply and profoundly that it made one feel like they could burst wide open. It was like he could see her soul. Somehow he knew that she wasn’t a musician, but loved music.  Music was in her skin, her blood, her being and it was as important to her as the air she breathed.  He loved this mystery girl in his dream, but not like he’d loved so many women in his youth.  Like a soul-mate.  She understood and loved him for who he was.  When he saw her in the dream, she turned and smiled with absolute joy,  as if she had been waiting for him. 
            “THERE you are!” she said, and he woke up with a cry that jolted him.
            He lay awake, not moving, needing to hold onto that feeling of connection, that sense of being completely understood.  Something he’d never really had in his life.  He never truly trusted people after his Mama died. God, that woman adored him.  He was the center of her universe, and she was his.  When she died, it was like someone cut out his heart and buried it in the ground.  He could never quite figure out how to breathe after that.  In his younger days, he’d tried to fill the void with lovers. He tried to share things with them that excited him, inspired him, and they’d end up looking at him as if he were crazy.  They wanted so little and he wanted so much.  Sex was just a drug to try to keep away the pain of isolation. 
            Now he didn’t need anyone.  He’d resolved that he would be alone and he did everything he could to keep it that way.  He sighed heavily as he rolled over and got up.  He put on an album, savoring the crackling sound of the needle on vinyl.  He didn’t understand the technology of online music, music that was disembodied, in a computer file.  He liked the certainty of an album, the solidness of it, the security of knowing that the music was held within its grooves and couldn’t be lost. 
            Susan got to see a lot of Mr. P over the next several weeks.  He waited for her, which surprised the facility nurses.  He wasn’t one of her patients, but their visits were a spiritual lift for her in the midst of her daily travels.  She got frustrated with him as she tried to coax some stories out of him and he remained tight-lipped.
            For Mr. P, the dreams became more frequent and intense. The Blond Mystery Girl was passionate and beautiful.  His heart ached and he’d wake up with his hand out into the air, reaching for her.  It was as if he was a distant observer, watching her as she wrote stories, poetry, journal entries in her room.  Her heart was broken often.  He knew that her passion and sensitivity made her more prone to hurt.  He wanted to protect her, shield her.  He knew a thing or two about how vicious the world could be.  He was amused that she was comforted by the Gospel songs of Elvis. The Blond Girl haunted him.  But he couldn’t speak about her to anyone.  The dreams left him sad, and quiet.  The nurses began to notice when they came in to wake him in the morning.
            “Did you have your nightmares, again, Mr. P?”  They’d lean over and touch his shoulder, seeing the tears at the edges of his eyes.  He shrugged them off.
            “Just the dreams of an old man at the jumpin’off point,” he said.
            Mr. P liked the young chaplain-lady.  He couldn’t pinpoint what it was about her that drew him to her.  Getting close to people was terrifying for him, and yet she was the first one in a long time that he could trust.  They talked about music, God, history, etc.   Mr. P was very good at diverting the subject when it got too close, and sometimes he’d just chuckle and point at Susan. 
          “Ha!  You almost got me there…” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
          One night she was called to the nursing home to be with a patient who was dying. She’d been out with her daughter to a late movie and was just leaving the theatre when the nurse called.  Susan hadn’t had time to drop Sarah off before heading over, so she came along.  Sarah always carried a book with her for such emergencies, so she curled up in the waiting room with her book and soon fell asleep. 
The family all left shortly after the death, and Susan went into the staff room to see if there was any coffee left.  It was 1:00 a.m. and the building was silent and dark, except for small lights along the floor. After the mortuary people had gone, the nurses went back to their stations.  The calm after the storm of death.  Susan felt suddenly very tired, and sat down in a recliner to catch a power nap before driving home. 
            She woke abruptly, remembering that Sarah was there, too, and probably anxious to head home.  She stretched and yawned, willing herself to get up.    
            Mr. P had been disturbed by one of his dreams and decided to wander down the hall to get a cup of coffee .  He shuffled toward the little kitchenette and passed the family waiting room just as Sarah was sitting up and stretching.
            Mr. P glanced into the room and came to an abrupt halt that almost threw him off balance. His heart started racing and his hands were suddenly cold. 
             “MotherofGod!” He whispered.  He stood transfixed, staring at the young girl yawning and turning over, oblivious to his presence.  Mr. P felt dizzy, his knees trembling.  He stood still, not trusting his legs to work. It was her. My God. The Blond Girl.  From his dreams. 
            Susan came up behind him and gently touched him on the shoulder, and he jumped, turning toward her with a sudden look of terror. 
“Are you ok, Mr. P?” She asked gently.
            “What the hell are you doing here?!” He blurted out, angry that he’d been caught off guard. 
            “Mrs. Osenbach passed away tonight,” she said, “they called me in to be with her and her family.” 
            His wide eyes stared at her as he moved away from the door.  His eyes moved to the floor, trying to stop the shaking in his hands. This was the most vulnerable she had ever seen him.  What had happened?  What terrors did he carry around in that soul of his? 
            His eyes were teary, and she assumed it was the news of Mrs. Osenbach.  “Did you know her well?” She gently asked.
            “What?”  He looked up, again confused.  “Oh, no, Rita was a bitch, actually.  I stayed away from her. Uh…” he cleared his throat, “I just woke up from a bad dream and wanted some coffee.  That girl,” he nodded back toward the waiting room, “do you know who she is?  Or what she’s doing here?” 
            Susan peeked in at Sarah, who was now sleeping soundly on the couch, curled up under a blanket.  Susan chuckled.  “Oh, that’s my daughter, Sarah.  She and I were at a movie when I got the call, so she rode along with me…” 
            Mr. P’s face blanched.“Your daughter?  Holy shit,” he said, and hurriedly turned away, apparently no longer interested in his coffee.  Susan started to speak, but he was no longer listening, anxious to get back to his room.  She stared after the old man, wondering if she should accompany him, but decided to just leave him alone. 
            Mr. P crawled into bed, shoving his cane aside, ignoring the noise it made as it hit the floor.  He got under the covers, slippers still on his feet.  When he closed his eyes, he saw Her again.  Those blue eyes from his dreams.  Now peaceful, sleepy as he’d just seen them in the waiting room.  Eyes that looked at him as if she knew him.  But how could she?  He’d never seen her in person before tonight.  He put his arm over his eyes to shield his mind from her image, but he fell asleep with her smiling gently at him, telling him… she understood.  Everything. 
          Susan didn’t make it back to that nursing home for a couple of weeks because of her busy schedule.  But she couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. P.  Sarah hadn’t mentioned anything about that night, of course, she slept through most of it.  She hadn’t seen Mr. P in the hallway staring at her.
            Susan got a call just as she was getting into bed one Friday night.  “Susan,” the night nurse said very grimly, “Mr. P isn’t doing very well.  The Doctor thinks he may have had a stroke a couple of days ago, and he hasn’t been the same since. Tonight he’s real bad and he’s asking for you.  He doesn’t want to talk to anyone else, just you.  Can you come?”   
            Susan’s heart sank.  Not Mr. P.  Whenever she met a new patient, she knew death and loss was a strong possibility, but somehow she thought this man would live forever.  She dressed quickly, kissed her sleepy husband and headed out the door. 
            The home was quiet, all the residents tucked in their beds for the night.  Dim lights lit the hallways.  The birds chirped sleepily in the glass aviary, greeting this night visitor.  Susan hurried to Mr. P’s room, where a nurse was just leaving. 
            She looked so sad. “He doesn’t look good.  I hate this,” the nurse shook her head and squeezed Susan’s arm. 
            Susan peeked into the dark room.  There was a nightlight near his bed, and J.D. Sumner was singing softly, his deep bass voice filling the otherwise quiet room.  The nurse was right, Mr. P didn’t look so good.  Shit, Susan thought.  She approached the bed just as he turned toward her. 
            “Hey, Preacher,” he said with a slurred voice.  “I’m not doin’ so good.  But it’s ok.  I just wanted to talk to you ‘bout some things.  I’m not afraid to die, hell, I’d come so close before-- sometimes I thought it’d be a relief…”  Tears streamed down his face as he said, “I’m not so afraid of where I’m going,  it’s just, well, my Mama.  I didn’t always live the kind of life that made her proud.  I got better, but I was pretty messed up when I was younger.  I don’t think I could stand to see her disappointed in me,” he said, and it struck Susan how young he suddenly seemed. Like a scared little boy.
            She smiled, the tears spilling from her eyes as well.  “Oh, Mr. P, your Mama sounds like a special lady.  From what you’ve told me, I think she’ll be so glad to see you, she’ll forget everything else.  She loves you. You’re ok.”  She reached out to stroke his face.  Dying has a way of melting all barriers.
            He smiled, a tear falling sideways onto the pillow.  He looked toward the record player. “God, isn’t that beautiful?” he said.
            “Yes.” 
            “Do me a favor,” Mr. P whispered.
            “Sure, anything,” 
            “Tell your girl, it’s gonna be alright.  All of it.  Tell her I understand.  It’s a hard world for people with tender hearts.  Tell her to just keep bein’ herself, stayin’ true to herself and to take no shit…” he bit his lip, as if he regretted the last part.  Susan chuckled. 
            “It’s ok,” she whispered. 
            “She’s got a beautiful spirit.  Just… tell her she’s gonna be ok,” he said.  “And…” he hesitated, “tell her thank you. 
            Susan swallowed.  She wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but it didn’t seem the time to ask.  She knew Mr. P hadn’t had a chance to talk to Sarah that night, he only saw her from a distance.  But she also knew that there are many mysterious things that she’d never understand, and whether it made sense to her or not, she would pass on the message. 
            “And thank you,”  he said softly, his blue eyes staring into hers.  He chuckled softly. “Thankyouverymuch.” 
            Susan laughed out loud through her tears.  “You’re welcome, Elvis.” she said, holding his hand.  J.D. finished his song and the needle picked up as the player shut itself off.  Susan began to sing “Peace In the Valley” to Mr. P as he closed his eyes with a gentle smile on his face.  She followed with “Amazing Grace,” and “How Great Thou Art.”  As she reached the end of they hymn, she placed her hand on his chest.  It was still.  And she wept.  She sat there a long, long time, holding his hand.
            The next morning at breakfast, Sarah asked her immediately what was wrong, as Susan’s eyes were puffy and swollen from the tears.  She would wait till later to tell her the mysterious message.  Susan took a deep breath and responded,
            “Elvis Presley died last night.”