Dreaming God's Dreams

I had a dream.

I know it's sounds cliche, but it's true. I had a dream. I was 24 years old, knocked over by the Spirit of God, who turned my life upside down. I was fairly sheltered, having been raised in a pastor's house all my life. You might say I was cloistered. I had little idea of what the rest of the world was like-- what people who DIDN'T go to church were like. I assumed they were "bad" people.

I had a dream. The intensity of God's Spirit in my life in 1989 knocked me out of my comfort zone completely, and I ended up envisioning myself as a preacher. It was an absurd vision, really. I was horribly, painfully shy. I didn't take any risks. I stayed within the confines of what was "normal" and acceptable. It took the Freight Train-like hit of the Holy Spirit to knock my feet out of the cement-- and I went to seminary.

I had a dream. I went to seminary for four years, two different schools: Drew University Theological School and St. Paul School of Theology. At both places I discovered that I did, in fact, have a brain, and I could think intelligent thoughts, and that people whom I respected thought I had gifts for ministry. It was a terrifying four years, as I was pushed, pulled, knocked around and occasionally stood on the hill with my fist in the air. That Masters of Divinity was hard-won; spiritually, emotionally, as well as intellectually.

And I emerged, a little bruised, with a dream. A dream that I could make changes. That I could -- if not change the world-- change a little bit of it. I dreamed I could help transform lives, stir people up and make them fall in love with Jesus and make them want to change the world for him too. I dreamed I could make people care about those that were different from them, about those who had so little in this world, and who were getting a raw deal. I dreamed I could teach people the things that Jesus taught and the things that he demanded of his disciples/followers. Yeah, for awhile, I also dreamed I'd serve that Big Church and have my name known around the denomination, but mostly I dreamed of Making a Difference.

I've been preaching for 18 years, as of June 10th of this year. I love to preach. I love to wrestle with Scripture, to question it and get others to think. Hopefully. I love caring for people, being there for people when their loved ones are dying, I love baptizing babies and celebrating their place in God's Kingdom.
But I don't know if I have a dream anymore. I dream of God's Kingdom coming; a time when people will stop shooting each other and hating each other. I dream when everyone can live in peace and without fear. I dream of a time when all people will have enough to eat, can work at meaningful work; free of addictions and oppression. I dream of a time when nobody is more important than anyone else, and nobody is treated like garbage. I dream of a day when people can't even remember what it is like to be mean.

But I don't think I dream of making much of a difference in the world. I've seen too much. I've seen too many people that really don't want to think, don't want to learn, don't want to be challenged, and don't have a passion to get out there and work for Jesus. I no longer think, really, that I can make people care, or follow Jesus with great passion, or that I can stir up COMpassion. A lot of people seem more concerned about their own place in heaven, and don't worry too much about the many and very real hells that other people suffer every day on this earth. Call me cynical. Call me tired. I've seen really good, passionate people die too young, while others who don't care keep going and keep spreading misery.

I still dream God's dream, but I tend to wonder now, what is my place in it? What, if anything, does the Church have to do with God's dream? Or will God's dream be carried out by the least likely people, the grass-roots level folks? Is the Church too tied up with money and power struggles and self-preservation to really play a part in God's dream? I don't know. But I do know that I can't make people care if they don't want to care. I can't really get anyone to do anything they don't want to do-- even if it's something Jesus would do. I don't know if we can get people to care what Jesus wants from us; I've been trying for a long time. I just don't know.

But I'm not going to give up dreaming...