Why I Get Up In the Morning

I remember many times in my life where I lost hope. They are never far from my memory. But I believe that it is those times that feed my faith. Can we know what hope is if we've never known hopelessness? I don't think so.

Of course, when my life was immersed in the Church, my definition of faith was that of the institution. Faith is trust in Christ, in God. Faith is belief in Christ as the Son of God. Faith was the belief that God made the Church to be a vehicle of that faith. A messenger, a container. But in the last couple of years, I have lost faith in the Church. I think that's a good thing; I wasn't meant to have faith in the Church, the Church is/was only a means of faith, not the thing to have faith in. Maybe I needed to learn that. Losing faith in the Church, having been painfully disillusioned and having experienced a sense of betrayal at the hands of the Church just about knocked me out. What is faith without the Church? Is there such a thing?

For me, the answer is yes. Everything that supported and held my faith together was blown apart this past year. I had to sit in the rubble for awhile. I see now, that even in the midst of that, I had faith. Faith that it would and could only get better! Faith that there was something more out there for me. Faith that God --whoever He/She/It is-- had not abandoned me, and that God is not the Church, nor is God any human being that claimed authority over me. The Bishop, I believe, had come to believe that she is God in my life and in the life of pastors "beneath her." That I could not accept. No human being is God. When one believes that they are, all hell breaks loose.

I have faith that is changing shape, changing "containers." I have faith that when I pray, Someone is listening. I have faith that the world is not supposed to be the way it is now, and that human beings are given a part to play in making it better. I have faith that Love is the Answer and that Hate Destroys. I have faith that God has plans for the future of this earth and of its inhabitants, and it is a future of redemption, transformation, and resurrection. I have faith that God has given me gifts to share. That's what got me out of the rubble of despair. I believed that the end of my relationship to the Church was not the end of me or of my relationship with God. My faith has grown deeper in the last few months, because I couldn't hide behind the printed word or a creed or a denominational book of laws. I had to figure out what gives me life. What gives me hope. Why do I get up in the morning? I've been to that place many times when I didn't see any good reason to get out of bed. So I didn't. But I've made it past that time. I now have a reason to get up in the morning. That reason is that I've been put here to love, to give hope to others when I can, to offer grace in a graceless world, to use my gifts to be a presence to others, an image of the Christ of love.

I have faith that this is not all there is. If it is, I'd go back to bed!! I have faith that God has more grace than we ever will. I have faith that there is another reality, just a breath away from this one, that is eternal and good and is Life. That vision keeps me going, keeps me hoping, keeps me breathing.

I have faith that my life has meaning, and that the lives around me do too. So I look deep, and I try to connect with others who see something deeper and more beautiful than what is most obvious. We are eternal beings. Someone said we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I believe that.

And so I can go on.