depression

i've kicked and screamed and ran from you and still you descended enveloped caught me
i couldn't name you and doctors ran blood tests for mono and still
life was exhausting
i lit candles
i read how to be happy books
i wrote poetry
and i bore the shame of not being able to get a grip

i didn't have enough faith apparently  i didn't pray right i didn't trust god i tried i tried i tried
i couldn't will you away i couldn't banish you i couldn't call on the holy spirit to wash you away
another way i was just not enough
i wasn't enough for you my valiant opponent who would not be named

and then the towers fell and they fell on me i was pinned i was broken i was defeated
ultimately finally by you
but a gentle spirit a gentle heart came to me and named you
gave my faceless nameless enemy an identity and so opened a door just a crack

naming you gave you less power claiming you gave me more
it is was it is it was what it was and so i live with you
but in claiming you i walked through a door and followed the light and learned
how to use your shadows to make my picture more beautiful more real
as foe you defeated me
as friend you enriched me, allowed me to feel and to love and to hurt and to heal

you are a part of me
i surrender

to life