The Call



From the Sunday Scribblings' writing prompt:  The Call

     "I hear the call to Something More... I hear the call to be something I've never been before..." Karen Drucker.

     In 1989 I had a different concept of Call.  I believed that I was called to the ministry, and I was.  Specifically, the pastoral ministry.  At a Lay Witness Mission, after I shared,  a woman pastor affirmed my story and embraced me, looked me in the eye and said,  "You... are called to preach!" 

     I believed that a person had a call, one specific thing they were born to do.  One thing that made sense out of everything else in their lives.  What a relief to find mine!  I was called to be a preacher! 

     But I no longer believe that a person is called to do just one thing with their lives, nor do I believe that a call is just something related to a job.  What I didn't know during those 20 years of following that call, was that I was more than a preacher, more than a pastor.  It consumed my whole life, 24/7.  I was always a pastor.  If I learned new things that were outside the bounds of being a pastor, I had to keep it to myself.  I had to conform constantly to what the United Methodist Church said what a pastor should be, how they do what they do, what they should think, and how they should function.  Having grown up a pastor's kid, I was used to the life of a pastor's family.  You had to keep your true self under wraps much of the time.  You weren't supposed to have opinions that were outside the lines, the boundaries of what was acceptable.  You weren't even supposed to be a person. 

    Two years ago, I handed in my ordination papers.  It was hard to say, "I'm not called to be a pastor anymore,"  because the thought was that once called, always called.  But being a pastor was killing me slowly.  In the last two years, I've had to think about Truth.  What is truth?  I was used to hedging the truth, not telling the full truth, keeping the truth of what I thought or felt under wraps in order to follow the call of being a pastor.  I'm called to Something More now. 

    I'm called to be a whole human being;  healthy, whole, honest, free, more accessible, more at peace.  That's more of a vague call:  how do I do this?  A specific call, a narrow call like that of going into the ministry,  was simpler.  Go to seminary.  Call the D.S.  Tell your call story over and over.  Color within the prescribed lines.  Adapt. Adapt. Adapt.  Conform. 

    I believe we are put on this earth to love and offer the grace of God.  It's a tough world.  Everyone struggles.  Everyone needs a little grace.  When I love someone, I have to tell them.  When I see beauty in someone, I know they need to hear it.  I am called to hold up a mirror to people's faces and allow them to see the beauty in themselves,  as so many others have done and do for me.  My day job is to be a Spiritual Caregiver to hospice patients.  Through that job, I hope to help others face death with peace, and to feel that they're not alone.  I hope to convey that God's arms are already around them as they make this journey.  I try to be present with each person, one at a time, so that they know that someone sees them and wants to listen to their story.  That they are more than this disease.  I try to honor them and hear them.

    But I am more than what I do for a living.  I am called to be a person of Light, joy, peace, grace.  I am called to learn all I can, to be richer, fuller, deeper, full of spirit.  I am called to bring color to this world, and peace to chaotic corners.  I am called, most of all, in everything I do and am, to Love.  I am called to be who God created me to be, and not conform to someone else's being.  There is only one me, who can love and give and create exactly the way I do, so I better be ME.  No one else can do that but me. 

   It's all about Love.  What do I have to lose?  Chris Rice sings,  "That's What a Heart Is Beating For,"  and that's what I believe.  Why else are we alive?  I can love so much more fully outside of the church, I've found.  Because in the Church, there were set rules and set ROLES.  I had to get out of the ROLE in order to be fully me, and to love more fully.  To be.... more fully. 

    I will not be done doing new things until.... I'm done.  Breathing.  Living on this earth.  And then who knows?  Eternity is beyond what I can fathom, but I suspect that it will be an eternity of new things all the time.  Very cool.