Present

From the Sunday Scribbling's writing prompt:  Present

      At any given moment, it seems the past and future seems to swirling around me.  Especially as I listen to music.  I hear a song on The Bridge on Sirius Radio and I am transported back to a moment in the past.  I can remember what I was doing, what I was feeling.  "What's Love Got To Do With It?" by Tina Turner plays and I'm back working at Dunkin' Donuts the summer of '85.  I can smell the donuts, feel the sticky counters, taste the coffee.  I was "in love" with Dan, I thought we we were going to get married someday, but he turned out to be afraid of pretty much everything.  He was an old man in a young man's body. 

    My daughter is going through her senior year of high school and from day 1 I've been reliving my own senior year.  I started it getting mono, and missing the first two weeks of school.  I did, however, go into the school basement one day long enough to wear that God-awful black drape and get my senior pictures taken.  My eyes look a little droopy in the picture!  Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful year.  I'd been accepted to Messiah College and had plans to attend there, and remembering that gives me some regrets.  It was a painful experience, and I wish sometimes I could go back and tell that poor tired girl in the black drape;  'don't do it! Keep looking!  Don't be afraid! But for your own sake, don't go to Messiah!'  Ah, but who knows what other experiences I would have lived through somewhere else and now regretted? 

    And then there's Facebook.  Wow, talk about the past coming back and parading around in front of you like a drunk ex-boyfriend at your wedding!  Whew.  I've reconnected with friends from high school,  summer camp from those years, from past churches, and past work experiences.  Notice I didn't say Messiah College.  I chose not to revisit that!  Most of it has been good, but it is disconcerting to see pictures of people whom I still remember as teenagers who are instead somebody's grandparent!  I've reconnected with old boyfriends, too, but we don't mention our relationships of the past, we just talk about our lives in the past 30 years and make comments about nice, light stuff.  My husband isn't threatened by this, since we have a great relationship and the pictures don't make him feel the least bit inadequate.  We're all aging, after all....some better than others. 

      But all of this reminds me that though the past swirls around me like annoying flies sometimes, and the future taunts me, daring me to worry about what will happen if...?  I realize that all I have is right now.  This moment.  Right now I'm typing on my blog, my family is watching TV in the other room.  It's Saturday, a day to relax, to be a little selfish with my time.  The weather outside is gorgeous, and I look forward to going back out there when I'm done.  My kitten is sleeping on my printer, basking in the sunlight.  Life is good.   I have everything I need and want.  My daughter has turned out to be a really special human being, defying all the worries I carried about her while I was pregnant.  I have a loving, kind, sensitive and fun husband who is my best friend.  I only love him more than I did 20 years ago.  I live in my own house for the first time in my life.  I have a good job, and a boss who cares about me, who is a friend.  I have special girlfriends who understand me and provide a safe place for me to be;  whether I'm happy or venting or crying over a hurt.  Right now is good.  This moment is precious. 

    I realize that much of my suffering usually is over a hurt from the past, or worry about Larry or Sarah or myself in the future.  The past is over.  It is what it is.  I can't change any of it.  When I catch myself regretting some past bad decision,  I remind myself that right now I love my life.  However I got here doesn't matter because the wonderful gift is I am here, life is good, and there's nothing I would change.  Much of my suffering occurs over things that I have no control over;  someone else who annoys me,  other people's decisions or behavior, the state of the world,  what other people "might" think of me, etc.  So I try to not worry or suffer over those things I can't change because I'm only punishing myself and wasting right now.  Now is all I have for sure.  I only hurt myself to stew over things that aren't even real or things that may never change. 

     So my gift to myself each day is to stay focused on now.  On the present.  To savor the hug of a dear friend.  To take in the beautiful smile of a precious person.  To be fully aware of my daughter's and husband's love.  To breathe the fresh air of Nebraska and take in its beauty all around me.  To bury my face in my kitten's fur and let his purr soothe my spirit.  To create.  To give.  To experience.  To listen.  To LOVE. 

     Right now... is a gift.  A present to myself.  A reason to simply say to the heavens,  "thank you."